Dieting makes me an angry elf. You know, one of those South Pole elves.

I don't care what anyone says. Dieting blows major asshole. I don't even know if blowing asshole is a thing, but if it wasn't before, it is now. Because dieting is THAT bad.

I've heard people say, "Oh, you shouldn't diet! You should just eat healthy! You'll feel better!" or "It's not about being skinny; it's about being healthy!" And you know what kind of people they are? Other than horrible, horrible people? And yes, other than assholes that like to rub in the fact that you can't seem to drop that stubborn 20 lbs that insists on hanging around...in and about the stomach and thighs area, and NOT the boobs area. You got it! They're skinny. They're horrible, horrible skinny assholes that like to rub in the fact that they're skinnier than you. And as far as I'm concerned need to go eat something. Preferably a big bowl of dick.

Sorry...I'm trying to "eat healthy", and it's not really working out for anyone at this point. Seriously. I would stab my own grandmother if I could eat a cheeseburger and a slice of chocolate cake and not only have the fat go straight to my boobs, but also lose weight everywhere else.


Oh, don't get your panties in a twist....both of my grandmothers have moved on to the big grandparent farm in the sky. They're playing fetch with Jesus...or catch. Whatever. I couldn't even stab them for a cheeseburger and/or a slice of chocolate cake if I wanted to.




This is how you make me feel, aforementioned people:

This is what I imagine doing every time you open your mouth:

What I actually want to do:

So yeah, that's all.