Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Sorry I haven't updated...I've been in the middle of a battle of epic proportions...Seriously, Frodo ain't got shit on me.

It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything about bugs…okay, that’s mainly because it’s been forever since I’ve posted anything at all. My bad. Stop yelling at me.

Anyway, a couple of months ago, I was getting ready to feed my cat some new food that came in a box instead of a bag. It was a brand new box, so you can imagine my confusion when I went to pour it into her bowl, and small bugs rose up from the food like an army of undead assholes. With wings. For a minute I stood there, staring dumbly at the bowl as most of them gave me the finger and flew away, presumably to find something else to contaminate or a nice cozy place to lie in wait until they could regroup and attack me in my sleep. I don’t know…I’m not sure how these bugs work. They seemed evil so I’m just going to assume that they’re plotting to attack me at my most vulnerable. All I could think as I stared down at the bowl was, “Oh God…this isn’t happening. I’m hallucinating. I’m having a bad acid trip…wait, I’ve never done acid. It’s probably a stroke.” I dumped the whole bowl into the sink because I wasn’t sure how to dispose of a whole horde of these flying monstrosities. I immediate turned on the hot water because damn it, if I was going to drown them, I was going to do it with boiling hot water. I wanted to make sure that the remaining flying asshole zombie bugs saw exactly what I was capable of in the hopes that they would decide that it was a better idea to just go ahead and end it all then instead of sticking around to die by my hand. Much to my disappointment, I didn’t hear their tiny terrified screams resonating around my apartment.
I went to Austin for the weekend and had forgotten about them until I went to grab something out of the laundry room when I got home, and I looked up at the ceiling and counted seven or eight of them on the ceiling. I grabbed the closest thing I had to bug spray  and Febreezed the shit out of those motherfuckers. I was hoping to kill them, but thought at the very least, if they were going to be flying around my apartment, they could make it smell nice. It’s all about compromise. Well, apparently they didn’t see it the same way….I guess watching one of your buddies get taken out by Christmas scented Febreeze will cause you to snap. Who knew? Anyway, one day I was walking through my apartment when out of fucking nowhere one of those bastards flew AT. MY. FACE. I’m talking it straight up dive bombed me. Did you guys know moths could do that? Cause I didn’t! Well, being the stoic, completely in control individual that I am, I freaked the fuck out and ended up slapping myself in the face as I did my best impression of an epileptic, mid-seize.  I’m amazed I didn’t swallow my tongue. 
Like this, only with more face slapping.

Seriously, you would have thought the God damned Mothman had snuck up on me. Although if it had been the Mothman, I would have apologized for being in his way and quietly left and not gone chasing him around my apartment trying to kill him by clapping like a retarded seal.  But it wasn’t him; it was just one tiny asshole moth, so I did the latter…I just thought about what all of that must have looked like to anyone who could see into my apartment.

Great…now I’m the retarded, epileptic girl who runs around her apartment applauding empty rooms and then does an “In-Your-Face” victory dance when she’s done. Le sigh...

Yeah, that's about right...