Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Carlos the Gorilla

My ears are broken.

They've been broken for some time now.

It's debatable as to what caused my ears to be so retarded. Maybe as Lady Gaga said, I was born this way. Maybe it was all the coffee my grandma gave me as a young child. Maybe it was the gnomes that have stolen a little bit of my hearing every year so as not to take too much at once and raise suspicions. Maybe it was the fact that I used high velocity dryers without using earplugs when I was a dog groomer.

You're right. It's probably the gnome thing.

Hi. We're here to fuck shit up.

I know most people say that there are times when they'll have to ask someone to repeat themselves several times before they either understand or smile and pretend to understand. That is normal. Unfortunately for me, this happens, like, ALL THE TIME. I feel like I'm constantly needing to ask the person next to me what someone standing in front of us has said. I've tried reading lips, and it just does not fucking work.

It would be fine if I was like most normal people and would make the appropriate facial expression and just nod or murmur an appropriate response. But I'm just not capable of such normalcy.

My typical response usually involves reacting very strongly and angrily when someone says, "I made you a pie", but I instead hear, "I hope you die". See what I mean? If someone tells you they made you a pie, and you respond by yelling "Fuck you too!", pretty soon they're going to stop bringing you pie. I like pie, man.

Sad pie wishes you would stop yelling.

Luckily, most of my friends know this about me. Whenever I react in a way that is completely disproportionate to what they have just said, they'll ask me what I heard. Mainly because a lot of the time it makes no fucking sense. And is therefore hilarious. I'm also blessed with a couple of friends that are almost as bad as I am when it comes to their hearing. Or maybe they're mocking me. It's hard to tell. Because of my bad hearing, you see.

I will share with you an example:

Several years ago, I was out to dinner with three of my girlfriends. It wasn't overly loud at the restaurant, so there's really no excuse for the following conversation to have occurred. There was a TV mounted in the corner, but the volume was down.

Nadja: I love Brendan Fraser. (There was something about The Mummy on the screen)
Erin: you too, Plunger-Face.
Tram: .....what the fuck just happened?

All of that is true, by the way. Being around us is like listening to a bad game of telephone.

Now, if you'll excuse me, my coworker is about to transfer Carlos the Gorilla to my extension.

For the last time, asshole, it's Figueroa. Not "the Gorilla".

Monday, October 22, 2012

A Fauxst. Because Blogger is a fucker.

Blogger fucked with my emotions. It made me feel like I might actually be funny. I received an email letting me know that someone had commented on one of my posts. Before I opened it, I was nervous....what if they told me I was stupid and my blog sucked and I wasn't funny- like at all? I decided to open it anyway, and it was super nice! And from someone I didn't know! So I clicked on the link to my post, wasn't there! This post said there were no comments! What the hell?? email....said. Fine. I'll go check out the comments on my dashboard.

Mother. Fucker.

It was spam.

Seriously?? Sails - Wind = Me.

Whatever. Because of that, you guys are getting what I have deemed a "fauxst". Shut up, spell check; I know it's not a real word. I just made it up. Actually, I see your red squiggly line, and I raise you an "Add to Dictionary". Bam! In your face, spell check.

Just to reiterate and illustrate (look at me, dropping rhymes and shit), how I felt when I thought I had a legit comment:

How I felt when I realized it was spam:

When I over share:

When I completely make something up that ends up being really clever or insightful:

When I think someone's about to spill a secret, I look at them like:

When I try to rap along with Karmin, Busta Rhymes, or Ludacris:

When I say something really out there, and my friends are like:

When I'm so angry that what I'm trying to say comes out wrong:

How I feel when a video keeps buffering:

When someone says something insensitive via text:

When someone asks me if I'm drunk (and I am):

When my ex-boyfriend approaches me at the bar:

When someone says something insulting, but then follows it up with "Just kidding!!":

When someone I don't invites me to their birthday party:

When they mention that  there's going to be cake:

When someone thinks that I know something incriminating about them, I look at them like:

How I feel compared to pretty much everyone downtown:

When I'm trying not to laugh at a really inappropriate moment:

The South is full of people like this (I'm sure I'm going to get A LOT of hate about this):

Which means that I spend a lot of my time like this:

When I go to bars nowadays:

It seems like I always get the overly chatty waiter when I'm starving:

When a bug flies at me:

When someone approaches me about their bullshit cause:

What I imagine is going to happen every time I grab my luggage off of the carousel:

When it doesn't:

When I have a plan worked out perfectly, but the universe has other plans:

When I get bad news, but I'm trying not to get pissed off about it:

When someone that I don't like wants to hang out:

When I hug someone that is actually shorter than me (not that it happens very often):

Which would explain why I'm so bad at it.

Okay, that's it for now.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Please don't take the wheel, Jesus. A lot has changed since your day.

Are there any songs that just for some reason bother the shit out of you? You can’t explain it or maybe you can.  Maybe it’s that it gets played on the radio 23 hours a day. Maybe it’s a song that your ex loved and listened to ALL THE TIME. Maybe you find the lyric offensively stupid. I’m going to go through a list of songs that seriously bug the shit out of me.

1.    Carrie Underwood- Jesus Take the Wheel

The other day I was driving to work and Carrie Underwood’s song “Jesus Take the Wheel” came on the radio. For some of you that haven’t heard it, it’s an inspirational song with the moral of “Let go and let God”. Whether or not you believe in God, it’s a good message. Instead of “let go and let God” you could say “let go, and let Shiva”, “let go and let Yahweh”, “let go and let shit happen and deal with it”, “let go and let Cthulhu”, or whatever is applicable to your belief system.  I get the message that’s behind it, but….there are a couple of verses in there that make me go “…..uh….what?”. I can’t help it. It sends me into a fit of giggles every time.

I’m going to share a couple of verses with you (again this is more for the people that haven’t heard it or if they have but need a refresher).

“She had a lot on her mind and she didn’t pay attention
She was going way too fast
Before she knew it she was spinning
On a thin black sheet of glass.

She saw both their lives flash before her eyes <-- Oh right, “their lives” you ask? She had her fucking baby in the back seat.
She didn’t even have time to cry
She was so scared
She threw her hands up in the air,

Jesus, take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can’t do it on my own

Now, I know it might be fucked up to some that I would laugh at this part, but I can’t help it. All I can think is “Bitch, no!! Jesus should not take the wheel! Get your hands out of the air and back on the steering wheel and turn into the slide! Also what makes you think that Jesus knows how to drive any better than you do? He was alive roughly 2000 years ago…at a time when they rode dinosaurs. Dinosaurs are not cars, Carrie.” Fine, people will say that he knows everything, but me thinks that what they mean is that he knows the meaning of life and the path that he has created for you, and maybe even that you’re going to fuck up during Lint next year and have a Big Mac, blah blah blah. I don’t however think that they mean he will come down and keep your dumb ass from driving into a wall because you were going to fast when you knew there was ice on the road somewhere. He could possibly make it worse. He might not know the “turn into the slide/skid” rule. What then, Carrie Underwood? What then?

I know I might get some hate mail for that, but hear me out: I’m not making fun of it because it’s a religious song; I’m making fun of it because throwing your hands in the air when your car starts sliding and spinning around is about the stupidest fucking thing you could do. “Well, I’ve lost control of my car just like I did with my life. Might as well let go of the wheel because there’s nothing I could do to make it better! Like actually taking control and steering out of this clusterfuck I’ve caused- that’s just silly! I’ll let Jesus take the wheel for a bit. Everything will be fine!” No Carrie Underwood. Everything will not be fine, everyone will be dead.

Fucking exactly. Thank you Dwight.

2.    Carly Rae Jespen- Call Me Maybe?

Okay I really went off on that one, and I apologize for that (meh, sort of.) The rest of my analyses will hopefully not be that long. We’ll see. I’m really hopped on caffeine right now, so I honestly can’t make any promises. We’ll take this little journey together! Adventure Time!!

This about sums up what is happening in my brain right now.

Anyway, there are other songs that make me go “What the f—? Did that really just come out of your face hole?” Carly Rae Jespen’s “Call Me Maybe” is one of those songs, which really isn’t all that surprising. I know it’s been made fun of almost to the point that nothing more can be said about it. I’m about the trillionth person to bitch about how fucking stupid it is, and I should just let it go. But I can’t. Seriously, this song has wormed its way into my brain. Right now I have a mix of “Call Me Maybe” and “What Makes You Beautiful” stuck in my head. Maybe Breanna would be okay with that, but she’s 14. I am 27 (almost 28) god damn years old. I should not have these songs stuck in my head.

Again, for those of you who have been blessed to have never heard it, I’m going to post the lyrics below:

“I threw a wish in a well
Don’t ask me, I’ll never tell
I looked at you as it fell
And now you’re in my way

I’d trade my soul for a wish
Pennies and dimes for a kiss
I wasn’t looking for this
But now you’re in my way

Your stare was holding
Ripped jeans, skin was showin’
Hot night, wind was blowin’
Where you think you’re going, baby?

Hey I just met you
And this is crazy,
But here’s my number,
So call me, maybe?

It’s hard to look right
At you baby,
But here’s my number
So call me, maybe?

Hey I just met you,
And this is crazy,
But here’s my number,
So call me, maybe?

And all the other boys
Try to chase me,
But here’s my number,
So call me, maybe?

You took your time with the call
I took no time with the fall
You gave me nothing at all
But still, you’re in my way

I beg borrow and steal
Have foresight and it’s real
I didn’t know I would feel it
But it’s in my way.

Your stare was holdin’
Ripped jeans, skin was showin’
Hot night, wind was blowin’
Where do you think you’re going baby?”

She repeats herself a lot. The next verse that makes me scratch my head and want to smack the hormone-driven crazy bitch out of her is:

Before you came into my life
I missed you so bad
And you should know that
I missed you so, so bad

And again, she goes on to repeat herself. Now if you watched the video, you would find out that the object of her obsession is actually gay and gives his number to one of the band members. That, my friends, was the only redeeming quality of anything associated with this song.

I mean…..where do I even begin to point out all of the fucked up shit in this song? I honestly don’t know where to start.

Okay, I guess I’ll address the two verses that really just fucking piss me off. First off, what the fuck is the second verse about??  “I’d trade my soul for a wish”? You would trade your SOUL for a WISH.

YOUR SOUL…. Your “moral or emotional nature or sense of identity”. It can also be defined as “the immaterial essence, animating principle, or actuating cause of an individual life”

You would trade THAT for a WISH….which can be defined as “a strong desire or hope for something that is not easily attainable; want something that cannot or probably will not happen”.

What the fuck is wrong with you? You know what? No. I don’t want to fucking know. Just go move to Forks and become BFFs with Bella because I don’t have time for this bullshit.

Also a repeated line that I’ve always wondered about is “you’re [or it’s] in my way”.  What are you talking about exactly, Carly? Because honestly it sounds to me like you done got yourself a restraining order taken out against you. I mean, you keep trying to give him your number and asking him where he’s going. You’re no longer admiring from afar, sweetheart. I hate to break it to you, but you’re a stalker. I mean how can you miss someone before they were in your life? I know this has been addressed before, but I’m sorry Carly, I need some fucking answers. How? How is that possible? That’s right. It’s not. Now please, for the sake of everyone, please shut the fuck up.

This pretty much sums up this whole song.

3. Flo Rida- Whistle

Okay, I’ll admit, I love the music of this song. It’s catchy, upbeat, and really does make me want to whistle.

And then I listened to the lyrics.

Now, I’m not an easily offended person (despite all of the bitching that occurs within my blog), and I don’t blush when a dirty song comes on. Hell, a lot of the times, I’ll dance to them. When I’m alone of course. I’m not stupid. I’m too white to do that in public. Someone might think I was having a seizure. There’s nothing more embarrassing than having to convince the paramedics that you were just trying to Wobble and learn how to Dougie.  Trust me.

No. What bothers me about this song are the lyrics. I….I don’t even…know. I mean….okay, I’ll just let the lyrics speak for themselves (Themselves? Is that right? Have I been properly dumbed down by the songs?). Anyway, without further ado, Whistle by Flo Rida:

“Can you blow my whistle baby, whistle baby?
Let me know
Girl I’m gonna show you how to do it
And we start real slow
You just put your lips together
And you come real close
Can you blow my whistle baby, whistle baby?
Here we go.”

Um….. The fuck, dude? Do you even know how blow jobs work? I’m pretty sure that if a chick was giving you serious BJ vibes and then whistled at it once you had dropped trou, you would be like, “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?? This is not a Disney movie! You are not Snow White and my dick is not a songbird in the forest! Stop it. Never whistle at my dick again.” Maybe I’m missing the point. Maybe he’s not actually talking about BJs ; maybe he’s being metaphorical….Mr. Rida, please explain yourself.

4. Drive- Train

I’m not going to post all of the lyrics, mainly because this post is already long enough.

“This is not a drive by
Just a shy guy looking for a two-ply
Hefty bag to hold my love”


Are you high, Train? I’m honestly not sure what fucked up thing happened to you in your childhood that causes you to equate love and relationships with drive byes (is that right? Or is it drive bys?), toilet paper, and garbage bags?? Did your dad not hug you enough?  Did Mommy like hitting the hooch too much? Seriously. What the fuck is that about?  This girl is right to want nothing to do with you. You did her a service by freaking out and leaving. Stay gone, you crazy bastard.

No Rondo, You're doing it wrong again.

5. Take a Little Ride- Jason Aldean

Yet another one about love…sort of. Mainly it’s about thinking a girl’s hot and wanting to be alone with her. I totally get that. We all would like to be alone with the person to whom we’re attracted. Especially in the beginning. I would be on board with this song, but there are a couple of lines that, to risk sounding like Spock, are just illogical.

“I hope you’re wearing those frayed out cut offs
Makes me wanna get lost out in the moonlight
Drop the tailgate down a turn row
Watch the corn grow, baby, that’s a good night.
Anyone from the heartland is gonna understand
What I’m talkin’ about right
Ain’t no doubt, we gotta game plan.”

Honestly, the only part that bothers me about that whole verse is the second line. I get the sentiment of wanting to just get away and be alone (as I mentioned previously), but to actually get lost? No thank you. Why can’t you just find some place you know that’s quiet and untraveled for the most part? You’ll know exactly where you’re at, so that when you’re done, you can hop back in the truck and take her ass home or whatever it is that the game plan entails. If you do what you say you want to do and get lost just to get laid, I can almost guarantee you that by the time you figure out where you are and how to get home, that hot piece of ass in the cut-offs has probably complained and nagged you to the point where it almost doesn’t seem like it was worth it.  Yeah, she might be hot, but you’ve might have only seen her good side up until then; you don’t know what she might be like if things get hairy (i.e., getting lost). She might make Grendel’s mother look like fucking June Cleaver.  And now you’re stuck with her. Way to go, genius.

6. What Makes You Beautiful- One Direction

Sigh. I’m probably going to get so much hate mail from Breanna. She is IN LOVE with One Direction. Especially Harry. I have to remember what it was like to be obsessed with a boy band (what up, fellow NSYNC fans??). I know now the songs that I was obsessed with were fucking retarded. It didn’t matter at the time. I held on to every word they said and every move they made. It was like a Sting song. And, like most other teenage girls, it was mostly focused on JT and his fantastically bleached jheri curl. Honestly, they could have stood on the stage and drooled, and I would have claimed that was the best song EVER. But then I grew up. I became cynical about boy bands and their songs. Fine, some were catchy, and I might have secretly downloaded them onto my iPod (Jonas Brothers’ Burnin’ Up….what?) and said that I put them there for when Breanna was with me. It was a lie. It was for me. And the same was true for this song. At first, I was like, “Yes. This song makes me happy. It’s so upbeat, and it’s about building a girl’s self-esteem. I like it.” Then I fully listened to the lyrics…sigh. Bye bye bye, One Direction.

“Baby you light up my word like nobody else,
The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed,
But when you smile at the ground, it ain’t hard to tell.
You don’t know
Oh, oh
You don’t know you’re beautiful
If only you saw what I can see
You’ll understand why I want you so desperately
Right now, I’m looking at you and I can’t believe
You don’t know
Oh, oh
You don’t know you’re beautiful
Oh, oh
That’s what makes you beautiful.

So c-come on,
You got it wrong
To prove I’m right
I put it in a song

I don’t know why
You’re being shy
And turn away when I look into your eye eye eyes.”

It sounds great…it should sweet. But alas, it’s bullshit. I’m sorry Breanna and all the other 14 year old Directioners that now want my head on a platter. Truly, I am. I don’t want to ruin your fucked up fantasies about how smart Harry is or how one day you’ll marry Liam. I’m sorry. He’s not. You won’t. And their songs are dumb. What makes this girl beautiful is that fact that she’s not beautiful. Now I get what they’re saying. I know how people who know they’re hot are stuck up and are about as lovable as a honey badger. I get the appeal of people who don’t realize that they’re super-hot and are therefore accessible. But you’re totally setting her up for failure. You’re trying to convince her that she’s hot, but also saying that her not knowing she’s hot makes her hot. I don’t think you thought this through at all.
Also, OD?  Putting something in a song, doesn’t make you right.

One Direction Logic:


Omg gross! Kill it with fire.
Maybe she’s not being shy. Maybe she realized you’re all idiots.

Anyway, there are so many more songs that bother me, but I’m not really feeling this post anymore. I know this isn’t all that funny, but I just had to get this out. So forgive me for yet another shit post; I’ve been kind of off my game lately. Don’t worry, I’ll get it back! And I’m also sorry for all of the typos. I checked, but kind of in a “meh….whatever, it’s fine” sort of way.

Buuuuut guess what guys?? Your favorite:  A Fauxst (Faux post) is probably going to come up today too!!