Wednesday, June 6, 2012

This is the most I've posted in a week....I think. You're welcome.

I get that some of those posts shouldn't count because I didn't technically "write" in most of them. I posted pictures. I'm sorry if you feel cheated. That's what you get for trusting me in the first place. Everything seems fine and normal, and then BAM! Out of nowhere, posts with GIFs! I'm actually not sure if I should apologize or say you're welcome.

Anyway, I've decided to push through my writer's block and create a post regardless of it's quality. The following is the result. See the last sentence of the above paragraph.

This is a compilation of ideas that I jotted down, but never seemed like enough to carry their own post:

1) Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told the audience how the person died. Unless it was of natural causes. That shit is bor-ing! In fact, if I die of natural causes, I'm going to write in my will the fucking bizarre demise that I want my family to publish. Like, "She was riding a bear though the woods on Sunday, and they were suddenly and viciously attacked by rabid squirrels. She and the bear made quick work of the squirrels, but it was too late. The landshark had already smelled blood; it was upon them before they knew what was happening. She fought courageously with her bear by her side, but she ended up making the ultimate sacrifice. She threw herself into the jaws of the landshark so that her bear might escape and live a long and happy life."  I might even require them to create a Wikipedia page.

2) Things that make sense: a. When you heat something up, it becomes hot. b. When you freeze something, it's cold. c. The earth revolves around the sun. d. Google image results when searching "moths in cat food" that include cats, moths, cat food, Icanhascheezburger cats, and people petting cats. Things that don't make sense: a. Why the Kardashians are famous. b. Why dentists insist on asking you questions while their hands are in your mouth. c. Google image results when searcing "moths in cat food" that include cadaver prepping. Seriously...what the fuck, Google?? A bonus "This makes absolutely no fucking sense": Google is all up in my shit, trying to guess what I want to search for, but when I search for an image, it has no clue what I'm talking about. It's the internet for fuck sake...I know there's at least a hundred- nay!- a thousand pictures of people slapping themselves in the face. At least.

3) Earlier this year (or it might have been late last year), I stopped at the convenience store right by my apartment before I drove into work. There was a bit of a line, so I had time to browse the "shit I'll never buy" section that's right by the register. It's like the universe knew I was already having a crappy morning because my attention was directed to quite possibly the best convenience store item for sale. At the very last section, right above the floor was....a ski mask. A fucking ski mask, y'all! I started giggling partly because I was deliriously tired, but mainly because this was fucking awesome. I imagined the conversation that would go on at the register when someone bought this:

Clerk: "Is the ski mask going to be it for you?"
Cletus: "Yep."
Clerk: "....Um, sir, you can't put that on yet. You haven't paid for it yet."
Cletus: "Yeah, I know. Now give me all the money in the register, a carton on Marlboro Reds, ummm....this pack of gum, a Slim Jim...hold on, I'm gonna grab a 12-pack of Keystone...okay, I think that will do it. Oh, and one of those 'Red Hot & Blue 7's'." (side note: I did my research: the 'Red Hot & Blue 7's' only cost $1. Clearly this guy doesn't understand that if you're going to steal, you should steal something that costs more than a dollar)
Clerk: "....Are you serious? ::sigh:: Nevermind. No. By the by, dickmonger, the cops showed up about five minutes ago and are standing behind you."
Cletus: "Fuck...I did not see that coming."

4) Caffeine is awesome. And then it's not. Mainly when consumed in unhealthy quantities. And mainly because it gives me the type of high where I feel like I can take on the world, but not in the "Holy crap, I just sniffed a bunch of bath salts and am now going to eat everyone's face off, but I'm going to do it naked because I've got confidence! And I'm worth it!" kind of way. And then sends me crashing through the atmosphere, as I plummet not only back to earth, but into what feels like the very bowels of Hell. Okay, that might have been a little dramatic, but when it wears off, it does leave me with a Chicken Little complex. It's actually worse when combined with any form of ADHD medicine. I know this because one time I combined Adderall with 2 going on 3 economy-size Red Bulls. I was supposed to be writing a paper for my psychology class, but more often than not I caught myself in a staring contest with a squirrel in the front yard. It was pretty intense. In hind sight, maybe he got into the Adderall too. During the last stand off, I noticed the effects of the Red Bull/Adderall cocktail were beginning to wear off, and an irrational depression and feeling of impending doom descending upon me. It was awesome. And by awesome I mean that I wanted to stab myself in the eye, but didn't trust myself to hold a stabby instrument steady. There is nothing worse than wanting to stab yourself in the face and not being able to because you've got the shakes. Nothing. Except maybe the Twilight series. That's pretty fucking terrible.

5) Sometime at the end of last year (I think...I'm really bad with time), I was driving to work and saw a billboard for one of our local Top 40 stations morning shows. It had a picture of the DJ, leaning back with his arms crossed and a smirk on his face. You could smell the desperation in his "please-tell-me-how-cool-I-am-and-that-I'm-totally-still-relevant" pose. He was not cool, and he was not relevant. Like at all. To make matters worse the billboard seemed to be screaming its message out to the commuters: "GET YOUR KIDD FIX!!" Look, I get that his on-air name is Kidd Kraddick, and that it's just a play on his name, but me thinks you should have thought that one through a little bit. The only people looking to get their "KIDD FIX" are morally bankrupt priests, general pedophiles, and Jerry Sandusky, and they can all go choke on a big one. Attached to a guy named Bubba. In prison. Anyway...seriously? How in the fuck did that make it to the billboard?? What other completely horrifying slogans were tossed out?  "Let Kidd touch you in the morning!", "Double the pleasure, double the Kidd!", "Kidd really satisfies!". See? They're all fucked up and have no place on a billboard. Unless it's an anti-pedobear billboard with a picture of a pedophile, standing behind bars,  looking mighty uncomfortable, and Bubba, standing off to the side, with a satisfied smile on his tattooed face.

Okay, I have to make phone calls now, so I will bid thee adieu. Until next time, y'all!