Friday, September 11, 2015

The Unexpected Gifts (maybe not safe for a work computer)

Well, I'm fucking done here. 

How's my day been?

So, you know...awesome.

Just to be clear, the universe is the little kid, and I'm the grandma. The universe is a little shit.

My day, however, has nothing on my week.

You guessed it- I'm not the dog in this situation.

Let's see...where do I begin?

Oh yes, I know.

Tuesday evening I received a call from my bank, wanting me to confirm recent activity on my account. Since this happened to Jared the day before I thought nothing of it. For Jared it was more of an inconvenience because they happened to freeze his card while we were trying to check out at the grocery store. And, of course, he received a call from the bank to unfreeze his account only after he used his credit card and we were walking out of the store. 

Mine was...not like that.

Earlier in the day, I bought a drink from Starbucks with no problem. That was probably around 11ish. I received the phone call from the bank around 6 that evening. Again, I thought nothing of it since it proved to be such a non-issue the day before. Well, let me tell you. It was an issue. A huge fucking issue. There were three charges on my account that were most definitely not mine.

-The person who had my card information, probably.

They gave me the details of these purchases: the stores, where the purchases were made, the amounts, and dates. Since I was taken a bit off-guard by this, I didn't think to write this information down. It allowed me to mark these purchases as fraudulent, but since it was an automated system, it told me to call customer services in order to request a new card. I was at work, so I thought I could call customer service when I got home.

- Me, definitely.

Well, I was wrong. After much button-mashing and yelling at the phone robots for a representative, I finally gave up. I was able to get through the next day and ordered a new card, but while I had the rep on the phone, I decided to inquire about the purchases again.

Me: So, I know when they called me yesterday, they gave me the details, but I was dumb and didn't write them down. I checked my account, and I see two of them pending, but I'm not seeing the other one at all. I'm assuming that means that y'all didn't process the transaction and froze my account then?

Taylor: Yes, in all likelihood, that is what happened. I can see it on my end, but if it's not reflected on your account, we probably flagged it then.

Me: Awesome. I was wondering if I could get the details of those charges. 

Taylor: No problem at all.

She then proceeds to rattle of the information.

Me: Can you tell me where these purchases were made? I mean, I know the companies. You just gave them to me, but the geographical location?

Taylor: *awkward silence* Erm...yeah, but sometimes that's not indicative of where the person was when the purchases were made. It looks like these were all online purchases...

Me: No, I totally get that. I was more curious than anything. I'm not going to, like, hunt them down, Liam Neeson-style. I don't have a particular set of skills that would make me a nightmare to them. Unless they're fatally allergic to sarcasm and shade. In which case, I still won't hunt them down as they've spent a good portion of my money.

Taylor:...okay. X was in Scarborough, Canada, Y was in Pembroke Pines, Florida, and Z was in Ohio. No specific city. Just Ohio.

I can't blame her for not getting my humor. I mean, I found out her name is Taylor Taylor, so her parents win, man. I can't compete with that.

Anyway, after I hopped off the call with Taylor Squared, I decided to do a bit of digging. 

One of the purchases was from Hammacher Schlemmer, which is apparently "America's Longest Running Catalog" and specializes in "unexpected gifts". If by "unexpected gifts" they mean "unauthorized purchases that show up on your account" which case, they totally nailed it.

The second one was from a place called NuWear, and they specialize in men's underwear and swimwear. Their website is...suggestive. Which is fine. Whatever. I don't care. You do you. Just make sure to do you with your own fucking credit card. I don't want to know that you spent $141.33 of my money on fucking dick socks. I'm living the dream, working a part-time retail job that I honestly can't stand, hoping that my paychecks fall in such a way that I'm not late on any of my bills, but sure, no problem. I'll be glad to fund your dick sock addiction.

I don't even have a dick. 

Fortunately for me, but unfortunately for you, this was the transaction that wasn't processed. 

I was able to find you a consolation prize. No, no. You earned it.
Edit: I don't want to include an actual picture of one of the dick socks, but in case you're curious, I will include a link here

Third is the motherfucking cake-taking purchase. It seemed so innocent in the beginning. It simply showed up on my account as "Briefcase". Yes, it seems odd, I know. But the reason I didn't immediately think anything of it is because a while back, I made a purchase from, and it showed up on my account as "Human". My bank flagged that one too, but we had a good laugh about how that's totally what an information stealing robot would put as their store name. Because robots are fucking dumb, y'all. 

And then I was never heard from again.
Avenge me. Or don't. That thing is fucking scary.

But anyway, back to "Briefcase". So...right. Seemed innocent enough. Until I did more digging. Never do more digging. If you do more digging, you find things you don't want to find. Like, did you guys know that websites could have aliases? Because I didn't fucking know that. Turns out that little ol' innocent Briefcase is actually known as Jockstrap Central. Which, again, is fine. I just wasn't expecting to be bombarded with dicks at 11 in the morning. Much less being bombarded with them because you bought ninety fucking dollars worth of jockstraps. Now, as I've mentioned, I'm lacking in the penile department, but I do know what a jockstrap is for. Okay, well, I had to Google it to make sure I was right, and I totally was. It's to keep the goods on lockdown and protected when guys are doing the sports. Now, with this knowledge in mind, why...for the love of god, why are there picture of dudes wearing jockstraps with their junk hanging out? That just isn't practical. So not only are you spending $90 of my money on jockstraps, it's possible that you're not even buying the practical ones. 

Hey there, Dick Sock. 

I hope your purchases chafe the shit out of you, you thieving little shit. And whatever you bought from Hammacher malfunctions and sets your dick on fire. I bet then you'll wish you had a proper jockstrap. 

I'm coming for you. Sort of. I mean with this post.

So not really at all.