Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Dear Reader:

<Bitching> I started my blog today (obviously), but I can’t think of a way to start it (mission accomplished). I was going start with an introduction of who I am, ya know, to prepare the readers (you guys!) for the nonsensical way that my brain works. I started writing it in my notebook, and I didn’t like what I wrote. I started off talking about Hyperbole and a Half, a blog written by Allie Brosh. She’s the one who really inspired me to start my blog </bitching>. I related, like most of her followers (which, btw, makes us sound like stalkers…albeit, long-distance stalkers), to her posts almost completely. She’s one funny chick, and I tell anyone I can to check out her blog. I’m worried that it might seem like I’m trying to copy her style, but I’m not. Her pictures crack me up, so I thought, “What the hell…why not give it a shot?”. So I tried it…my first few attempts were horrible. I mean atrociously so. I stopped trying for a few weeks, but decided to revisit it today because I’m a glutton for punishment and all.

But guess what?

I drew two pictures of a Velocirapper (and yes, Velocirapper- it’s not a typo), and I’m not that horrible! I mean, I’m no Picasso, but for using a track pad and MS Paint, it wasn’t too bad to look at! I even showed to the boy and the best friend, and while they shook their heads at the context of the pictures, they didn’t make fun of the actual drawing! Look at me go! I just realized as I typed that last sentence, it seems that I might have overused the exclamation mark, but you guys just don’t realize how excited I was to learn that I don’t completely suck at computer drawings. Well, let me rephrase: they’re not good, but hopefully they come across in a “so-bad-they’re-funny” sort of way which, in an ironic way, equals me not sucking at computer drawings. Me sucking at computer drawings=funny (hopefully)=me not sucking at computer drawings…(hopefully). I feel like I’ve spent too much time on the issue of me being a horrible artist, so I’m going to move on.

This has been your first lesson on reading my blog…I get horribly distracted by my own train of thought.
In the past, I’ve actually completely lost what I was going to say to someone mid-sentence. I apologize if that is annoying and distracting to you, and if you are one of those people, I would suggest that you don’t read much more. I try to stay focused, but sometimes I’ll have a thought pop in my head as I’m already talking so I’ll segue into that. I won’t realize it’s happened, and because most of my friends are the same way, they won’t realize it either. Before we know it, we’ve both (or all, because I do have more than one friend and talk to them both at the same time on occasion) become kidnapped by my A.D.D. We start off talking about something serious or relevant like gun control (this is Texas, after all), and then the next thing we know we’re talking about tiny hats and other things a monkey might wear. I don’t understand why it happens. Sometimes I hate that it happens like when I’m about to make a really good “in-your-face” point, and I find myself meandering past my point to discuss why the Kardashians are famous. For the most part though, it amuses me. I hope it also amuses you.

But back to Hyperbole and a Half. If any of you guys read her blog, or make your way over to her blog now that I’ve mentioned it, you might see one or two things that she mentions that I mention also. I’m not trying to steal her ideas, I promise. I want my blog to be my own thoughts and experiences. I mean how can you get enjoyment from people liking your work when it isn’t even your work? No me gusta. One of the things she mentions in her blog is a “mandatory sex party” (no, she was not involved in one), and I will bring my thoughts on that up in another post. I mention it only as a disclaimer. I think she’s funny as hell, and wouldn’t dream of copying her. Plus, now that she’s got so many followers, if any of them saw my blog, they’d verbally and possibly hunt me down and physically, rip me to shreds. I like being intact, so I will not be participating in crappy, plagiarizing behavior.

So to prepare you for the ridiculousness that you are about to encounter, I’ll tell you a little bit about myself (yes, it did take me this long to get to it):
  1. I’m about as random as they come.  I have a lot of weird shit that happens in my head, but not in a “let’s-get-her-into-a-straight-jacket-and-cart-her-off-to-the-loony-bin” kind of way. It’s more of a “where-in-the-hell-did-that-come-from-but-she’s-kind-of-got-a-point” kind of way. This one ties in with what I was saying earlier about getting distracted by my own thoughts.
  2. I’m a huge nerd/geek/dork….a Nerdorgeek, if you will.  I realize after saying it out loud, it sounds like I’m trying to say Nordic, but don’t know how to pronounce it. I assure you neither one is true. Well, I might be Nordic, but because I don’t know, we’ll err on the side of caution and say I’m not.
  3. I used to say that I’m a grammar Nazi, but because people are still touchy about the holocaust and whatnot, I choose to not say it anymore. I also make a lot of careless mistakes, so I don’t feel like I deserve the title. That’s actually the main reason. I’ll let someone else take the burden so that I’m free to make all the grammatical mistakes I want. Yay me! Actually, I’ll still try not to because bad grammar annoys me.
  4. I curse. A lot. My dad is a Marine, and I said my first curse word at the age of about 3 or 4. Well, I should say I said my first couple of curse words in the same breath at the age of about 3 or 4. I will probably curse in my posts, and if that offends you then fuck you. Actually I hope it doesn’t offend you because I like you already, and I hope you’ll stick around.
  5. I say “retarded” a lot also, so the phrase “That’s fucking retarded” might make an appearance here also. I don’t discriminate against people with learning disabilities or people who are physically handicapped in anyway. I feel for and respect the people who have to deal with what they deal with. For me, it’s just an expression (which I know some people will argue that that’s what’s wrong with the world today). I mean no disrespect. But that being said, if you are offended by that kind of thing, then that’s fucking retarded. Lighten up. I didn’t mean to offend you. Again, if these last two things did offend you, maybe you should stop reading.
  6. I feel like I come from the Island of Misfit Toys (hence the name of the blog in case anyone missed that). I’m pretty weird and feel like I don’t really “fit in” anywhere. This used to bother me, but now I like that I’m weird. I look pretty normal, so when I say something that comes completely out of left field, it really throws people for a loop. Well, actually if you picture left field and then look about 50 miles to the left of that, that’s normally where my thoughts come from. The look of bafflement on people’s faces is priceless.
I know there’s more to tell other than those 6 things, but I can’t think of anything else that might help prepare you for reading my blog. I’ve rambled on enough, and it’s late, so I’m going to bed. And you probably should too…unless it’s the middle of the day, in which case, get off the internet and go do something productive. Unless you’re doing research on the internet…in which case, get off Facebook and do something productive…like researching shit.