Friday, June 24, 2011

Seriously?? :-/

So I was attempting to do some work before bed when I realized (conveniently, I might add) that I needed to run out to the store for something. I go to said store, pick up said item, and head back to the apartment, ready to dive back into work (okay, not really, but I was ready to give it another half-assed attempt). When, what to my wondering eyes did appear, but one shiny white mustang with three douche-y decals on the rear.

In my parking spot. And yes, it is mine. My name might not be on it, but it has a number on it. A number which is is in my leasing agreement, and my name is sure as shit on that! In your face, you spot thieving douchetard.

....well, it would be in your face if I could find my God damn leasing agreement so I could get you towed.

Yes, not being able to find my leasing agreement is my fault. I know that. I should keep all important documents filed away safely. I can hear my mother lecturing me about it now. I get it. I effectively suck at keeping paperwork filed away neatly. But this isn't about me. This is about you.

I mean, really? Who goes into an apartment complex and sees covered parking and thinks, "Hey! I'm gonna park there! Surely no one pays for it! Ha ha ha! Look at all these spots that are empty...I guess no one else has figured it out like I have. I'm the smartest person ALIVE!"? Let me inform you, if others have failed to, you are most definitely NOT the smartest person alive. In fact, you're about, fifty BILLION IQ points below a pile of rocks. Don't let your opposable thumbs, decision making abilities, and ability to drive a car fool you. Upstairs, you're basically the equivalent of a rock's retarded cousin. Yes, it's true. Allow me to explain:

First off, your decision making abilities are shit. You chose a white Mustang for a car. I mean, really? It's not a classic Mustang either. I would respect that. But no, you chose the 2010 Mustang. And it's white. I don't know why that bothers me so much. Oh wait, yes, I do! It's because you parked in my fucking spot. I can't help but picture you being one of the following: a vapid girl whose daddy, biological or of the Sugar variety, bought you said embarrassment; a douchetard with overly-styled spiked hair and a popped collar; or some overweight, middle-aged man whose mid-life crisis allowed the used car salesman to convince him this is the car that will make him look cool and not at all compensating for his, what I'm assuming are many, shortcomings (this last one at some point was the second guy...just a word of advice to the spiky, popped collar guy- this is what you have to look forward to- go you!).

Secondly, your ability to drive a car combined with your crappy life decisions is what led you to park in my spot in the first place. Now your decisions are affecting my life. I'm not okay with that. In fact, I'm even less okay with that when this causes me to park in BFE. Do you know why I pay for a parking spot? SO I HAVE GUARANTEED PLACE TO GOD DAMN PARK! I do not pay for a parking spot so I can flag down a stranger driving around my complex and ask him or her if they'd like a place to park because, "Guess what? I've got one!" And if you do think that's why I pay for it, you're a bigger idiot than I thought, and should immediately have your license revoked on the basis that you are too stupid to function.

At this point you might be saying "Hey, at least I've still got my opposable thumbs!" Good for you, mate! I'm about to take that away from you too.  I mean, yay opposable thumbs and all, but c'mon....monkeys have opposable thumbs too, and they fling their shit at things.

Dolphins don't have opposable thumbs. Sure, they can't drive cars or open jars, but they kill sharks and have sex for pleasure....which again is more than you can say (I'm honestly not sure how dolphins play a part in all of this, but it sounded good).

This is you.

By the way, I feel that I should note that this isn't the first time this has happened.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Ants are assholes

Dear fire ant at the pool,
I had an incident about a year ago with one of your kin folk. He decided it was a good idea to hitch a ride and bite the crap out of me for no good reason; things didn’t work out so well for him.  And then tonight, I decide to go to the pool for what I thought would be a relaxing night. As I walk towards the pool, I feel the unique type of pain that only you little bastards are capable of inflicting; I look down and see you and about 5 of your stupid friends attacking my feet. Why?? Why would you do that? I simply walked over to the table to put my stuff down and take off my flip flops. Maybe you assumed I was going to steal your gourmet meal of discarded Nacho Cheese Doritos that were no doubt left by someone who lacked the motor skills to actually get the food into their mouth. I blame that person too, but mostly I blame you guys. I guess maybe you guys thought it was your lucky day when I showed up because hey, not only did you get to stuff your nightmare-inspiring mandibles with nacho cheesy goodness, but then you guys got to feast on my feet as well. High five to you guys!  PSYCH! No high five for you! EVER! Those are my feet, you ass clown. You can’t just go around biting people all willy nilly. Well, you can, but it’s just crappy behavior.  And you know how I reward crappy behavior like biting me? I crush you. Seriously, your feeble little exoskeleton couldn’t save you from my Hulk-like strength when you decided that it’s a good idea to latch on with what I can only assume was the intention of carrying me back home because “Holy fucking fuck! The guys back at the anthill are never going to believe this shit!” I’m sure, even being an ant, you know the phrase “When you assume, you make an ass out of you and me”. Well, in this situation it just makes an ass out of you. And now you and your buddies are dead. Well played. Fuckers.
I wish you would all die,
p.s. I don't even like Nacho Cheese Doritos.

Here is the letter that I wrote the little Hell spawn from last summer:

Dear fire ant,

When I'm mowing the lawn, I'd greatly appreciate you not hitching a ride on my foot and then biting me. I'm sure you're aware that I'm too big for you to carry back home, so I know you didn't bite me because I'm a possible food source. I also didn't stomp on your home or mow it down. This leads me to believe you bit me because you're an asshole. Unfortunately for you, now you're a dead asshole.

Kind regards,


By the by, I just looked up why fire ant bites hurt so bad. I thought it had something to do with their saliva, but I realize now I was confusing them with mosquitos. Mosquito spit makes you itchy. Ants bite the shit out of you with their jaws of death, but this isn't what hurts. They bite you so they can get leverage to raise up the rest of their body and not because they doing the ant equivalent of a keg stand. They do this so they can stab you with the stinger located on their ass. Repeatedly. They're humping you. Talk about insult to injury.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

How much signal I need to cut across 8 lane? None? I turn now...good luck, everybody else!

It's been awhile since I last posted...I would like to take a moment to apologize to all of my non-existent readers. I realize that you guys have been waiting with bated breath for me to post my next blog, and it was selfish of me to keep that from you. I will do my best to keep it from happening again.

Okay, now that I've gotten that out of the way, let me start by saying TRAFFIC SUCKS ASS!! I know this isn't groundbreaking information or anything, but I just really wanted to get that off of my chest. I got off work at 5 and got home about 10 minutes ago. I know to some people an hour and twenty minute commute is nothing, but I am not one of those people. I have absolutely no patience when it comes to sitting in bumper to bumper traffic...especially when the drive without traffic takes about 20 minutes tops. In between swearing under my breath and begging the apocalypse to come early and wipe out everyone in front of me, I began to think about my fellow drivers' behavior, which led me to think about the behavior of people, whether in a vehicle or not. I've noticed that a lot of people (not everyone, mind you...just A LOT) act like they're entitled to things. I'm not the best driver in the world, despite what I assure my parents, but I try at the very least to be a couteous driver. If I can see someone struggling to get over while everyone flies by them, I'll try to make room for them to get over. Or if I'm the one who is trying to get over, and someone throws me an opening, I ALWAYS shoot them a wave that I like to think says, "Hey, thanks for not being a douchebag! You're swell!" I like these people....these people are not the ones that send me spiralling down into a blind rage. No, the people that make me want to use my car as my own personal murdering machine (a PMM, if you will) are the ones who don't thank you for letting them over or who purposely try to keep you from getting over.

Seriously, I don't get it. When did we all become such assholes?

I don't have to let you over...I was being nice. The least you could do is be thankful, you ass hat. I don't need you to throw me a freaking parade (mostly because the traffic situation is already bad enough without a Snoopy float and a marching band announcing what an awesome and courteous driver I am), but a little bit of acknowledgement would be nice. I mean, really, it takes a second to throw up a wave to thank someone for not being a shit human being and letting you over. If someone cut you off, you wouldn't think twice about flipping them off, so why not take a second to thank the nice man or woman who let you get in front of them. Last time I checked, you're not royalty (granted you might be; I don't know you- but I highly doubt it), and I definitely know I don't owe you anything. I'm just trying to be nice because I know how frustrating it can be to fight your way through traffic. I'm fairly certain these are the same people who, when you hold the door open for them, breeze through without so much as a glance in your direction.

 Jeez...I'm sorry I didn't get to the door sooner to announce your arrival, Your Highness. I was stuck behind one of your obnoxious relatives in traffic. Totally my fault.

I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to run ahead of those people, just to hold the next door shut. Hopefully there is a second door, and hopefully that second door is made of glass. That way they can see you flipping them the bird for being such self-entitled pricks.

One day.