How to Not Be an Annoying Human Being: Friend Edition

This post is going to be less humorous and more rant-y than normal. Now, I know what you’re thinking; you’re thinking, “But you’re always rant-y!” to which I say, “Shut up. You’re wrong, and I hate you.” But that wouldn’t be true. To be honest, you’re not wrong, and I don’t hate you. I love you. Please don’t go. I didn’t mean it.

Anyway, like I was saying, this post is going to be pretty rant-y. I’ve been dealing with some pretty shitty behavior on the friend front lately, and it’s left me feeling, how do you say….stabby? I’ve compiled a list of annoying (also can be called twat-waffle-y) behavior that I have personally encountered from these “friends”. If you do these things, stop. If you don’t, you will die alone, and we’re all going to laugh at you. If you have experienced these things from your own personal douche-monger of a friend, then know that you’re not alone in this fight to not fly off of the deep end and end up in prison.

Don’t talk shit about your friends behind their backs.

• Seriously. Just don’t. I know they might have pissed you off because they decided to skip out on the alcohol poisoning for the night, but still don’t do it. I know you might not like their significant other, and you want to start spewing all kinds of hate from your pie-hole like Linda Blair did with split-pea soup. Still don’t do it. Here’s a good rule of thumb: If finding out someone was talking shit about you would send you flying full throttle into Hulk Smash mode, then pipe the fuck down. Especially if that someone else is your friend. Seriously? Why are you even friends with this person? All you seem to be capable of is talking as much shit as is humanly possible. Do you even like your friend? Or do you keep them around in order to feel better about your own life? You do realize this isn't high school, right?

Don’t get pissed when a friend finds out you were talking shit about them and then starts bitching about you.

• There really isn’t much more to this one. It’s pretty self-explanatory, and it also leads me to my third point.

Don’t be a hypocrite.

• To me, this is possibly one of the most infuriating ones on the list. And that’s saying something because everything on this list all but sends me into a blind rage when I think about it too much. Anyway, like I was saying, don’t be a hypocrite. How are you going to get pissed at someone for doing exactly what you did not that long ago? It’s not like you can say, “Oh, I was a younger person then. I didn’t know what I was doing. I’ve changed a lot since then.” Bitch, you’ve been talking shit for the past year. Consistently. Don’t lie to me. Don’t insult my intelligence. Sure, some people could say that the friend could have confronted the shitty friend and demanded to know why they were talking shit. And they would be right; that would be the adult thing to do. BUT here’s the plot twist. The shitty friend will lie to you. And tell you that they never said that. That it was someone else just trying to stir up shit and cause drama. They would never talk shit about you. You’re besties and are so NOT about drama. Which, again, leads me to my next point.

Stop being such a fucking drama queen.

• No one cares. I’m serious. No one. All of your Facebook posts are just cries for attention. And you might be confused. You might think that by “drama queen” I mean that you’re negative or always bitching about things. You do that too, but when I say you’re a drama queen, I mean you look like you can’t stop posting on Facebook for fear that everyone might have forgotten about you in the 2 minutes since you last posted.  Even the posts “I love my life!” or “Everything’s great!  #YOLO” reek of desperation and neediness. Oh, and stop talking about how tired you are or how you have SO much to do. You only do that so that people will tell you how great you are and how hard you work. Seriously. Shut the fuck up. The ones who know you the best see all of this for what it is. And we don’t care.

You are not my only friend, and even if you were, sometimes I don’t want to do anything.

• I know you make jokes about how I don’t have any other friends. Or I thought they were jokes. Now I’m not so sure. I really think you think that you’re my only friend. Guess what, asshat? You’re not. So please, please do us both a solid and stop giving me shit every time we talk or see each other about how you never see me anymore because I’m too busy hanging out with my other friends. Which is it? I can’t both have friends and not have friends. I’m not some socially retarded version of Schrödinger’s cat. In this situation you can’t have it both ways. I’m not both socially dead and alive. I’m not being a dick…well, not on purpose…okay, maybe a little bit. Really I’m just trying to figure out what the fuck you’re talking about. I’m going to lay this out as simply as I can, I am an adult, and as such, I am busy a lot of the time with work or hanging out other friends (you included). And when I’m not busy, sometimes I just want to curl up on the couch, stuff my face, and watch a Parks & Recreation marathon on Netflix. I know that to you this sounds about as fun as having bamboo shoved under your freshly manicure nails. I get that. I’m not shoving it down your fucking throat. You asked me what I’m doing; I told you. End of fucking story. You like to go out to party and dance. That’s fine. That’s not really my cup of tea. I’m sorry. I know….I’m crazy. I mean, how can anyone not love the shit out of being dry humped, spilled on, and groped by some random sweaty stranger? Don’t get me wrong; I’m not judging. I would have to care to judge. And I promise you, I don’t. Therefore since I don’t care, I’m not judging. It may seem as if I’m being redundant, but I want to make sure you fully understand.  A=B=C=A. Got it? Awesome. So to sum this point up, stop treating me like I kicked your puppy just because I don’t want to hang out with you. Every. Fucking. Weekend.  Speaking of judging….

Stop being so goddamn judge-y and I will start getting stabby. I mean, Or. Stop being so goddamn judge-y OR I will start getting stabby.

•  Who the fuck died and made you the Almighty authority on every-fucking- thing? I hate to be the one who has to break this to you, but you, m’dear, are not fucking perfect. Over the course of our friendship, I could have pointed out so many things you did wrong and so many ways that you royally fucked up, but I didn’t. You know why? Because I was your friend. I accepted you for your faults and all. I knew I wasn’t perfect, and I’m still far from it, so who was I to judge? What’s that quote? Oh, right…“He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her”.  Here’s another good one: “For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again”. Basically, don’t be a judge-y asshole, ya dick. Especially to the people you call friends. Don’t go behind my back and talk about how you won’t deal with me drunk, especially after I’ve picked you up from the bar because you were too fucking wasted to drive. And after I’ve sat up all night after you cried because you thought you were going to die from alcohol poisoning and made sure you didn’t choke on your own vomit. And after I’ve held your hair back and tried to help you when you were, yet again, fucking wasted. And please for the love of God, stop talking about how all I do is go party when I go out of town. I’m saying this for your benefit because, honestly honey, you’re embarrassing yourself, and it’s getting painful to watch.

I hope this post finds you well. Also give me my shit back.

• If I let you borrow something very expensive and something I plan to use again (which is why I lent it to you and didn’t just give it to you), I expect it back at some point. I even told you when I lent it to you that I might on occasion need to borrow it back to do what I needed to do. This worked for a while, and I understood that it might be a minute before I got it back for good. I was okay with that. No problem. I never once badgered you. I always asked to use it at your convenience. I think that had been working out well for us, don’t you think? I do, however, have a problem with you not responding when I ask to borrow it again. I wasn’t asking for it back; I was asking to borrow it. I also have a problem when you don’t respond to any messages I’ve sent you just trying to get into contact with you. Before I didn’t have a problem with you borrowing my stuff, but when all I hear from your end is goddamn radio silence, I, crazily enough, develop a slight fucking problem with that. Who knew, right? Did you forget YOU were borrowing MY stuff, you dickmonger? It’s been over a year since I let you borrow it. If you managed to break everything that I let you borrow or it was stolen or you lost it, you could have told me. Or is it something else? Are you mad at me? Oh wait, that’s right; at this point I don’t give a good goddamn if you’re mad at me. You, my sweet little angel face, can eat a dick. Right after you give me my stuff back. 

Don’t treat your friends like they’re your servants.

• I’m not saying don’t ask your friends for help. I’m saying don’t tell your friends to do things for you because you’re either a) too lazy…sorry, tired or b) getting ready to go out. And I’m not talking about stuff like grabbing your phone from the kitchen or even letting your dog out in the backyard to go to the bathroom. I’m talking about the stuff that people have to go out of their way to do. It’s your fucking responsibility; you do it.

Don’t make jokes about a friend getting pregnant.

• This point isn’t about making fat jokes. No, this point is about how shitty it is to laugh and make jokes about your friend getting pregnant. How is that funny? Your friend can barely afford/is able to take care of herself. Why in the hell would you think it’s okay to wish a baby on her right now. She’s not married. I know, I know….you don’t have to be married to have a kid. I’m not judging people who do. That’s fine if you have a kid and aren’t married as long as you’re able to take care of them. I am not. I want to have children, but right now isn’t the best time. It’s not funny, and you consistently putting it out into the universe is kind of freaking me out. So let’s not, shall we?

Don’t categorize your friends.

• Again to explain this point before I go any further lest I offend more people than I already have, this isn’t about calling some friends your “work friends” or your “school friends” or your “kicking-children-and-sacrificing-small-animals-at-midnight friends” (to each their own. Again, I’m not judging).  This is about categorizing the friends within your group. You don’t see them as much, so they become your “only-when-they-need-something friends” or your “only-when-YOU-need-something friends” or your "I/They-have-nothing-better-going-on friends".  I honestly didn’t even realize this was a thing. For me, my friends are my friends. I don’t need to label them because as far as I’m concerned if you need to label your friends, they’re probably not your friends. Do you realize how insulted your friend is going to be when they find out that you call them your “I-only-keep-them-around-to-feel-better-about-myself friend”? You’ve just gone from having a “friend” to whom you could feel superior (just to clarify- not a friend) to having one less friend. Slow fucking clap, you douchemonger. Well done! You are on the correct and extremely efficient path to being forever alone. I hope that’s what you wanted. It seems to me like it is due to the way you talk about and treat people. The sad, but also funny part of it is that when you end up with no one around you, you’re going to blame everyone else. You’ll never stop to think that maybe you were the common factor.

To sum this whole list up.

Apologies for how long and rant-y this post was. Thank you for indulging me while I got all of that out of my system. Lord knows prison jumpsuits don’t look good on anyone, much less if you’re 5’2”. What about you guys? What’s some shitty friend behavior you’ve experienced?