Thursday, June 19, 2014

Questions All White People Need to Answer

So, I was perusing Buzzfeed for articles to read...okay, listicles because who has time for actual articles? Not me, that's who. Actually that's a lie too- I have the time, just not the attention span. Anyway, I came across this article listicle titled, "40 Questions All White People Need to Answer", and I realized that while I am not "all white people", I am at least one white person, and that I might be able to provide some insight. I hope you don't mind that it's implied that I'm speaking for you as well. If you do mind, shut your pie hole- go get a blog and then you can speak for me.

1. Why do white people call guacamole 'guac'?
Honestly, this one baffles and annoys me as well. I can't stand when words are needlessly abbreviated. That being said, I've been guilty of doing this, but I like to lie to tell myself that I'm doing it ironically, and even then I kind of hate myself a little bit. That food item does not look delish; it looks delicious. Was it really necessary to take off the 'us' sound? Probably not. You've saved no time and look like a pretentious ass. So a prententiass. But back to 'guac' specifically. I can only assume that these people are self-conscious about the way they pronounce guacamole; maybe it comes out of their guac-hole sounding more like "whack-a-mole". I don't know. 

2. Why do white people like bearded men and horses so much?
Beards when done properly are glorious. They just are. Horses are also majestic fucking creatures. Even if they're a bit stupid sometimes,they're still nice to look at. The horses aren't bad either. I jest, gentlemen. But seriously keep doing what you're doing with your beards. Shit's nice.

Seriously. Look at this shit. LOOK AT IT.

3. Why do white people like comparing arm tans?
Look, depending on where we live, we might see sun for two days of the year, so for some it isn't often that they get past the "Casper" point of the color spectrum. When we get even a little bit of color, we get unreasonably excited. And fuck the bitch that has a darker tan than us. Seriously, is it possible to steal her skin for ourselves? But honestly, I think it's more of a thing in the younger crowd. I'm 29, and frankly I don't give a shit if I get a tan or not. As long as I don't burn (and I inevitably do nowadays), I'm good.

Um, excuse me. Why the fuck are you yelling about cheese? Maybe the question should be why do you seem so irate that white people love cheese. What did cheese ever do to you? Did it sleep with your wife? Murder your family? Are you lactose intolerant? I get it, some cheese can be shifty. Some of it looks disgusting, smells like feet, but taste heavenly, while other types look like the perfectly normal type of cheese that you can take home to your mom, but then you take a bite and "HOLYHELLWHATTHEFUCKISTHATITTASTESLIKESATANSASSHOLE!!" But I still don't think the problem lies in white people loving cheese. I think you might need to reevaluate your anger towards the love they share.

5. Why do white people like to explore attics?
Because we know we won't die if we do. And we're kinda dumb. Also, antiques. White people love that shit.

6. Why do white people like sand Dunes so much?
...we- we do? I don't remember getting the memo on that. Hold on, let me check. *shuffles through white people memos* Nope, totally not there. Are there a lot of us out there that like sand Dunes an unhealthy amount? Also is there a reason we're capitalizing 'dunes'? Then again, I live in America, we capitalize on everything. See what I did there? Good, let's move on.

7. Why do white people like Kiss?
This is going to sound blasphemous, but honestly I don't get this one. Maybe it's just me, but I'm not a big fan, so I can't be much help on this one.

8. Why do white people like the woods so much?
Maybe see 5? I don't know. The woods can be kind of cool. The sounds, sights, and smells of the great outdoors can be awe-inspiring. But sometimes you run across a bear or mountain lion, and while that might be neat and all, you might want to move your ass. You look delicious.

9. Damn why do white people like pumpkin so much pumpkin pie pumpkin latte etc…
I get it. Pumpkin is delicious, but I think we white people overkill it with the pumpkin stuffs. But damn it, pumpkin spice latte, I don't know how to quit you. I'm pretty sure there's crack in there. Starbucks knows exactly what they're doing. Also I think it has something to do with it being a seasonal thing. If it were a year-round thing, I don't think it would be such a big deal.

10. Why do white people like playing in the snow. Snow is cold.

Snow is awesome. Well, the stuff I see in pictures. I live in Texas, so I feel like I'm not the best person to shed light on this one. For me, it's like the pumpkin spice latte- if I had to deal with it for a good chunk of the year, yeah, fuck that shit. I would not be one of those white people. But I, like, NEVER see it, so when I do, shit yes, snow! For about 10 minutes, and then I'm done because as you accurately observed, snow is cold.

11. Why do white people like Drake so much?

We do? Where the fuck are my white people memos going?? Umm....let me see....he's Canadian? That one guy now known as Starbucks Hands posted a video that went viral, and then celebrities spoofed the shit out of it. And it was the best thing ever. That had to have helped Drake out with the white people crowd, right?

12why do white people like hummus so much. it's literally chick peas

What is with all of these "questions" not being questions? See what I did there? Again again? Three times there have been squiggly marks at the end of my question; those are called question marks. Please for the love of god, use them. I make grammar mistakes, so I get it- it happens. But seriously, where are the question marks? Were they abducted? Abandoned? We should go find them. Also, I don't get the hummus thing either. I'm not a huge fan. The one time I had it, it tasted like cardboard, so now I'm like, " thanks. I better not." 

13. Wait why do white people like shark week so much?

Because sharks are awesome! Actually, I find them terrifying and awe-inspiring in equal parts. On a documentary on The Discovery Channel? Shit yes. I will watch all 10 billion hours of the same shows they've aired for the last 20 years. In the ocean? Fuck that, I'm out. It was probably seaweed, but I'm not taking any chances. 

14. Why do white people like candy corn so much. I literally see 7 people in my class eating it

Most people I know can't stand the stuff, but I, on the other hand, love it. I don't know why. I just can't stop eating it. Just chalk it up to us being fucking weird. Also, question marks. Fuck. But +1 for using literally correctly. If there were, in fact, 7 people eating candy corn. If not, shame on you- I trusted you.

15. why do white people like ray ban wayfarers so much smh

....I kind of hate you on so many levels. Let me count the ways: 1) Punctuation, motherfucker. Do they have punctuation where you're from? 2) Capitalization. Fuck. It's not that fucking hard. I've done it a lot in this post. Why is it so hard to capitalize a few letters? Why? 3) "smh"? Stop it. Stop it right now. That abbreviation annoys me more than any of the others, except lmbo (just say ass, you goody two-shoes). 4)Why do white people liking Ray-Ban Wayfarers cause you to shake your head? Do you really have nothing else going on in your life that these are the concerns you deal with? If so, that's another reason to hate you. Just move on, man. Who cares?

16. Why do white people like going to abandon houses or other places like have you not seen horror movies

Definitely see #5. 

17. Why do white people like putting their bare feet on the dashboard

I can't even. I just can't. You were nowhere near your 140 character limit. Why couldn't you have thrown in a question mark? It's not hard. Just trust me. But to answer your "question", I don't think this is exclusively a "white person thing".

18Why do white people like to pick their own strawberries so much?

*shuffles through memos* Nope, not there. I pick my own strawberries at the grocery store because I don't want a bunch of bruised, gross strawberries. Shit sucks, yo. I'm guessing it's because they like to know the strawberries are fresh off the...vine? Bush? I don't know how strawberries work.

19. Why do white people like to cuddle so much during storms?

Have you ever done it? I'm guessing not because had you, you wouldn't be asking such a silly question. Get your cuddle on, fool. 

20. Why do white people like nutella so much

Um, see #19. Except replace cuddle with Nutella. Or don't. Cuddle while eating Nutella. As long as the other person has their own jar because Joey doesn't share food.

21. Why do white people like kissing dogs in the mouth? Acting like it's good luck or something

....w-what? I think you need new white people. Stop hanging out with those white people. STAT. Some people don't mind their dogs kissing them on the mouth, but I am not one of those people. I have watched my dogs lick their own asses, eat poop, vomit and then try to eat it. So no. No, no, and no. No judgement if you're one of those white people, but it's just not for me. I like my mouth ass-, poop-, and vomit-free.

22. what is a "color run" and why do white people like them so much

So you can use quotation marks, but no punctuation or capitalization? You know what? Whatever. Um, a color run is a marathon of sorts where you get dry paint thrown on you as you run. It's pretty fun. I don't know why. It just is. I hate running, but if you're going to paint with all the colors...of the wind (?), I'm down.

23. Why do white people like to hunt ghosts?'re just not getting it. We do stupid shit. See #5.

24. why do white people like avocados so much

I'm a weird one. I hate avocados, but I love guacamole. So I don't know. Apparently they're good for you and shit, so there's that.

25Why do white people like Christmas music so much that shit gets annoying

Christmas music is awesome for about 10 minutes, and then shit gets old. I used to work at a mall, so I'm right there with you.

26. Why do white people like that Thrift Shop song so much?

Look, a Canadian and a white guy are about as close as we're going to get to having street cred, so just let us have this one. Also Macklemore and Ryan Lewis have some pretty decent music.

27. why do white people love hot glue

We do? I mean, yeah, it can be useful, but I wouldn't say we "love" it. Have you been getting your information from Pinterest?

28. so why do white people love full house so much idgi

I don't get why you don't know how to type. So we're even.


This, I think, does warrant yelling. I don't get it either, friend. I mean why can't you just post pictures of your pets on your own Instagram? Do they really need their own? I mean, how many selfies can you take when you don't have thumbs?

30. why do white people put their kids on leashes

Remember how I said we do stupid shit? Well that starts at an early age, so therefore, leashes.
See? This is why we can't have nice things.

31. why do white people love mason jars

Well from my experience it's because we're gluttons for punishment. We like spending hours hunched over decorating them, putting fake (or real) flowers in them so our cats can eat them. We're givers like that. Also, fuck my cat.

32. why do white people love the beach so much.. yall are always fucking there i dont get it

Uhh....I don't get you. The beach is lovely. It has water, sun, attractive people (hopefully), and sand Dunes (which we fucking love apparently). What more could you ask for? Also, are we always there? Are we?? Or are you just exaggerating the situation? Mmhmm...thought so.

33. Why do white people dance like this though

Sigh...I don't know. Some are better than others. Actually there are quite a lot of us that are fucking amazing dancers. Sadly, I'm not one of them. But it's like we all got together and said, "What is the most awkward dance that we can do that will make everyone uncomfortable?" And then something like this was born.

34. Why do white people say "idear" instead of idea? Where the fuck is there an "r" in that word
Don't. Even. Get. Me. Started. I hate this. For me, this is close to nails-on-a-chalkboard annoying.

35. WTF is gluten exactly and why do white people hate it so much
Let me Google that for you. And some white people hate it because they have an intolerance to it. Or at least that's what they were told.

36. Why do white people love 'turn down for what' so much
*shrug* See #26? I don't really know. I'm old.

37. Why do white people love cooking with beer so much
I guess it's good. I prefer to drink mine though.

38. Why do white people always say "have a good one" have a good what?
Because we're friendly, goddamn it. Fuck. Have a good whatever you want. Examples: Have a good night! Have a good life! Have a good birthday! Have a good murder! It's whatever you want it to be.

39. Why do white people gotta be climbing everything.
Because we can. And you can too! Go climb the shit out of that tree! Have white people been lying to you? Leading you to believe that this is a predominately white thing? Are these the same white people that told you that they make out with their dogs for luck? White people, man...we're some shady fucks. I think we were trying to keep all the climbing for ourselves.

40. why do white people say "for Pete's sake"??? Who is Pete?
Look, we really care about Pete. Every white person has a Pete, and we've got his back.

So in conclusion, I'm a terrible white person. Sorry I've been lying to everyone. I feel terrible. Really, I do. Just kidding! 

Monday, June 2, 2014


I’m so angry. I’m angry about so many things that I’m not even sure where to begin. Actually, that’s not true. I’m mostly angry at myself. I’m so angry that I’m turning 30 this year and have done almost absolutely nothing with my life. I know I’m not that old, but I just feel like I could have done so much more with my life up to this point and I haven’t. I still have no idea what I want to do; I wanted to be a psychotherapist, I wanted to be a profiler with the FBI, I wanted to be a psychotherapist again, then I wanted to be an astronomer, then I wanted to be a photographer, and now I want to be a writer. And what have I done about any of those things? What have I done about being a writer? Yes, I’m writing this now, but goddamn it, that is not what I mean. I want to write novels. I have the ideas, but if given too much time with those ideas, I hate them and stop writing them. Even this- I hate this. I want to stop writing this because I hate the sound of my own voice in my head. I hate that this table is wobbly and is distracting me. I hate that I can’t effectively smoke a cigarette and type this at the same time. I’m angry because when I do start to write, I veer horribly off course and don’t get to the point. I’m so goddamn angry. About everything and nothing all at the same time.

I’m angry that compared to my peers, I suck at being an adult. I don’t even know how to go about being a real, live, responsible adult. I feel like I’m walking around pretending to be an adult, but really have no goddamn idea what I’m doing. I have no idea how 401(k)s work; if I had to do my own taxes, I would be audited, I’m sure; I hate cleaning, so I don’t; I hate doing laundry, so I don’t; I hate working out even though I need to because fuck you metabolism, but I don’t; I love playing bullshit games on my Nook, so I do. ALL THE TIME.  I’m so goddamn angry. I’ll be perfectly honest, I don’t really like me all that much right now. I don’t like that I’m lazy and lack focus. I don’t like that I do nothing to fix that. I don’t like that I know that I need to fix it and how, but I don’t. I’m embarrassing. I’m awkward. I’m insensitive. I’m overly sensitive. I’m hypocritical. I’m condescending. I feel like I’m not a good friend, daughter, sister, aunt, girlfriend, employee, or person. Why anyone would want to be around me, I haven’t the slightest clue. God, I hate how fucking whiny this sounds.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not always angry. I’m also happy at times, sad at times, and other emotions that I don’t feel like thinking of. I’m sometimes silly and hyper. But I feel like my go-to emotion is angry. Even when I’m joking around, there’s a bite to it. I feel like it takes so much for me to move from the emotional range of “blah” to “holy shit, this is awesome”, but at the drop of the hat, I can go from “life’s pretty great” to “I will fucking cut you”. Mind you, I never would. I’m an angry person, but I am not a violent person. I don’t want to hurt anyone. In fact, if I feel like I’ve hurt someone, be it physically or mentally, I can’t stand it. I just want to make it right. Unless you’re an asshole and hurt someone else. In which case, I fully stand behind my side-eye and snark.

What kills me so much is that I have nothing about which to be angry. I have an amazing boyfriend, I have amazing friends and family, I have a great job, we’re about to get a beautiful apartment. I should be so happy, and I’m going to contradict myself for a moment and say that I am. I am happy, but some days I’m just so goddamn angry. 

Monday, March 31, 2014

I'm Getting Tired of these Motherfucking Bugs in My Motherfucking Life

Oh, hey there, friend. I didn't see you sitting there! Have you been here the whole time? Since September?! Jeez, sorry about that! You should have thrown something at me!

Anyway, I'm back! Sorry for the delay...I've been super busy, super lazy, and generally unproductive when it has come to my writing. I am going to change this though (fingers crossed!).

This was going to be a post about my road rage, but in light of my current situation, I will put that one on hold for a moment. My new post is inspired by my unbridled hatred of all things bugs. Except butterflies, rolly pollies (you know, their scientific name), and bees (as long as they're making honey and staying the fuck away from me). All of the rest of them can go fuck themselves. I feel like my blog, like my house and backyard, has become overrun by bugs, namely ants and June bugs. I fucking hate them. HATE THEM. It's gotten so obnoxious as of late that I am currently weighing the pros and cons of just saying "Fuck it" and setting our house on fire. I'm pretty sure that if I do that we probably won't get our security deposit back, but I'm also pretty sure we won't get it back anyway because our landlords are shady assholes like that. In fact, I'm not sure that the landlords didn't send the plague of sugar ants and June bugs themselves.

Right now I'm sitting out on our patio writing this because it was nice out, so in a way, I'm doing this to myself. But goddamn it, this is MY backyard. I don't care that it's outside and technically outside is where the bugs are free to be. When you are quite possibly the stupidest fucking bug alive, next to the fly, you don't get to live. Also, you shouldn't be called June bugs; you should be called hell-spawn's (aka tree roaches) retarded cousin. Seriously, other than flies, what other creature repeatedly bashes itself against things? You are seriously giving the bug community a bad name which was already pretty fucking bad to begin with. I just had to rip off my goddamn pants in my backyard because one of you perverted twats decided it was a good idea to go exploring. Well guess what? Now you're fucking dead and I'm pants-less and missing a shoe. No one wins. NO ONE. AND STOP LANDING ON MY GODDAMN LAPTOP! My bets are that if you're stupid enough to repeated bash yourself against the sliding glass door, that you're not going to be very helpful to me in writing my blog. I don't know any June bug editors, and I plan to keep it that way. Can you imagine shaking hands with one of those fuckers? Oh wait, of course you can. You ARE one of those fuckers. Well, news flash, you six legged twat, I don't fucking like you and I will end you. Do you not see the wasteland of your fallen brethren? I did that. I AM THE ONE WHO SPRAYS. 

Also it's not June. Get a fucking calendar and get your shit together. I know, I know. It's better to be early than late, but no. In your case it's better never than dead. So kindly see yourself the fuck away from me.

Now. On to you, ants. Oh, you thought I had forgotten about you? Ha ha...that's goddamn adorable. You guys are unforgettable. Don't thank me- that wasn't a compliment. My hatred for you guys is on par with my hatred for the June bugs and roaches. I would say spiders too, but you know what? They're at least useful. They eat other bugs. You eat my food or at least get into my food and ruin it so I can't eat it. Do you see the problem for me here? Spiders = okay if they stay the away from me because they eat bugs that bother me (hint, hint); You = not okay because you eat what I want to eat.


I set out traps a few months ago, and that seemed to work for a while. Plus I got to see your stupid little sugar ant carcasses in the trap. Which was awesome. But alas, that did not solve the problem because like the June bugs, y'all just kept coming. So I bought new traps, this time with bait that you can take back to your queen. God save the queen? I think not. Not when that queen is a whore ant queen that keeps pumping out minions to taint my food. Fuck the queen, I say.

Yeah, I said it. You're no Queen Elizabeth, you twat.
So far, I've just seen you guys came out at the bait stations though, and this angers me. You had one job, assholes! ONE JOB. Get it and go. This is not the water cooler at the office, you useless pieces of shit. You don't get to sit there and chat about whatever it is sugar ants talk about. Sugar and ruining my life, I'm guessing. GO HOME. TAKE IT TO YOUR LEADER. You know, that thing right above this paragraph? HER. Take it to her. Or have you been here so long that you've forgotten all about your cozy little mound of bullshit? 

Except with tiny, tiny sugar-shitting ants.

I will end you, this I promise you. Whether it's with bait, spray, crushing your tiny little bodies one by one, or flamethrower, it will happen. One way or another, we will be done with you.