Tuesday, August 2, 2011

YAY!! Stream of consciousness post!!!

You guys knew it was coming. I knew it was coming. I was just shocked that it took me this long to get to writing a completely non-sensical post about nothing! Go me!!

....is sensical a word?

I just googled it. It's totally a word. Thanks, Google....you never let me down. Unless I'm trying to find my silverbacks. In which case, you are an evasive asshole. Fuck you, Google.

.Am I allowed to insult Google? Can they sue me for telling them to fuck off? Or are information ninjas going to attack when I least expect it....like when I'm sleeping? Wait, I would totally expect it then because I'd be unconcious and vulnerable and shit. Ninjas are also evasive assholes. Awesome. But still assholes.


I really have no idea what I want to write about....and I'm getting pretty delirious at this point, not that any of you could tell, I'm sure. I had a couple of ideas that I was thinking about writing....about...does that sentence work? Ah well, fuck it! It does now! I'm a writing trailblazer...making up my own word combinations and sentence structures and shit. I'm like the Faulkner of blogging. Ya know, without the Nobel Prize and being famous and whatnot. BFD. I've got punctuation and sentences that don't stretch on for pages, bitches.

What was I saying? Oh right, I had a couple of ideas that I was going to write about, but they would require me to remember the stories and make funny comments about them, and right now, that's too much for my brain to handle. So instead, I bring you this! A blog post about absolutely nothing!! Um...yeah. I'll be right back. I...am going to the store. Crap! I also need shampoo....this trip is taking longer and costing more money than anticipated and it hasn't even started yet.

Okay, I'm back. I realize I didn't need to tell you guys I was leaving. If hadn't said anything, y'all would have had no idea. I am also an evasive asshole.

Do you know what's a fun combination? An empty stomach and Red Bull! Seriously!! Not so good for the train of thought and liver, but great if you're going for that jittery, overly hyper feel.

So....yeah....this blog has gone way off topic. Wait, can it go off topic if there was never a topic to begin with? No? Okay, good! I really have no idea what I want to write about right now...I just kind of started typing because I told the boy and a friend of mine I would have one done tonight. Let's see....


Okay, so I was going to start a list about why it would be awesome to be old, but I lost interest by Pro #1...so we'll save that for another post. Thanks, Red Bull. Now everyone's disappointed because of you. I hope you're happy.

I've got it! I was talking with one of my best friends tonight, and we were talking about the pros and cons of showering at night or in the morning (I never claimed that our discussions were ground breaking). I prefer showering at night, and she got used to showering in the morning because her mom always told her to never go to bed with her hair wet. She said she had no idea why her mom didn't want her to go to bed with wet hair, but she got the distinct feeling that something bad would happen if she did. I started thinking about the things you could tell a child in order to keep them from doing things or, on the flip side, encourage them to do things.  I decided as we were talking that why should lies be limited to just getting them to do things? I think I'm going to make shit up at any opportunity I get. It'll teach them to be creative. Or put them in therapy. Either way, I think they'll appreciate the lesson. For example, tonight, I decided that Santa Claus is actually a member of the Russian mob, and those toys are the toys of Russian children who didn't listen to their parents. They're blood toys. I don't even know if there's a Russian mob, but what does little Susie know? She's five. And if she doesn't care about that, then Santa's going to start offing all of the other fictional characters, like the Easter bunny, the tooth fairy, and Edward Cullen. Actually, he'll probably just kill the Cullen kid just on principle. Seriously? Who the fuck sparkles? Santa doesn't tolerate that kind of bullshit. Oo! Maybe that'll keep her away from glitter too! That shit is the herpes of the craft world...not only will I not have to clean glitter up, but maybe she'll avoid becoming a stripper too! I'm killing three sparkly-ass bird with one stone! Thank Russian mobster Santa!! You're the best!

I have a feeling that when I do have kids, I'm going to be getting a lot of concerned notes from the teachers regarding little Suzie's (or was it Susie...I can't be bothered to scroll up there to look) ideas about the way things work in the world. Oh well, I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

Well, the Red Bull has already worn off, and now I have a headache, so I think I will bid thee adieu for now. Hopefully I'll have something better for you guys next time!

p.s. I'm also not editing this one, so if there are typos, please ignore them..you know what I meant.

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