Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Gentle Dentist and Ded Moroz

Some people should not be in advertising or be allowed to name things....specifically the people who decided to name a dentist office "Gentle Dentist". Do you guys really need to advertise that he's gentle? I get that some people are dentophobes and think that all dentists decided on the career just because they wanted to torure the shit out of people. I, for one, am not one of these people. Although I've never been particularly fond of them poking around in my mouth, I never said to myself, "Well he isn't very gentle at all" or "Wew, he inn't vewy 'entuh a' aw" because he had his medieval torture devices and arms up to his elbows crammed in my mouth. I've never thought of dentist as either being gentle or not gentle, but this stupid sign forced it upon me. Is this sign supposed to imply that other dentists who don't advertise that they're gentle will punch your teeth our of your mouth, kick your puppy, and push your grandma down and steal her Hoverround®? I mean....I wouldn't be okay with all of that, but I guess they would be covered because they never claimed that they were a "Gentle Dentist"...it just would have been nice to have some warning, like, maybe if they're sign said "Hardcore Dentist That Will Punch Your Teeth Out, Kick Your Puppy, and Push Grams Down and Steal her Hoverround®".

Is it weird that I can't stop giggling because now I've decided that all the other "Non-Gentle Dentists" are actually members of the Russian mafia. Although, I think having a "Non-Gentle Dentist" would be a selling point then because in Soviet Russia, teeth pull you. I know I'd probably want a dentist that kicks ass and takes names, and if the puppy and grandma are assaulted, it's no ones fault but theirs. You did this to yourself...this is the Russian mafia, grandma.

Actually, working off of this logic and combining with the lie I'm going to tell my children, Santa is also a dentist. I'm thinking that might be the most terrifying part for me, personally. Shit. I created this lie to screw with my kids, but now it's screwing with me....I'm fairly certain, my kids won't give a shit or won't believe me, and somehow I'll convince myself of this lie and spend many sleepless nights plagued by the fear of  Ded Moroz, D.D.S (Seriously, Russia? You're not helping your case, like at all. Could you have tried being a little less creepy about it? No? Oh right....you're Russia. You guys invented creepy).

Great. Now I've got the song "All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth"...sorry little Donnie Gardner, it ain't gonna happen. Santa's keeping your two front teeth and probably taking a couple more just for the hell of it as well as your Red Ryder Air Rifle. Merry Christmas to you, indeed...

Fucking exactly, y'all.

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