Tuesday, August 9, 2011

I should have named this blog ants and Santa’s in the Russian mafia

Santa Claus was called AA Santa from 1997-2001 here in the U.S.A.

Wait….what? I get that I stopped believing in Santa Claus about 20 years ago, but WTF?! I didn’t think I was so far out of touch with the whole Santa situation to not know there was an alcoholic Santa running amok around the world. I’m sure that’s not what ‘AA Santa’ even means, but I don’t care. That’s what I’m saying it means, and it baffles me. I don’t remember hearing about an epidemic of puddles of vomit by fireplaces and really shitty gifts for those four years, well other than the ones that can be attributed to Daddy’s all day Christmas Eve drinking binges, which I’m sure weren’t limited to just those four years. You’d think people would have been more vocal about a drunken Santa roaming around on Christmas Eve, yelling “Ho Ho Ho!” to the hookers turning tricks on the corner and then giggling to himself as he pees off the side of the sleigh.  And you’d think that at some point, he would have passed out in someone’s home. Can you imagine little Timmy’s face in the morning as he races down the stairs only to see hard dose of reality in the form of a bare-assed Santa, crushing the Christmas tree and all the toys underneath it (he passed out while peeing on the tree because he thought he was outside peeing in a bush…because that's so much better, Santa.) I’m just saying don’t call him that unless it’s true people. That’s how rumors get started. By the way, if it is true, and any of you find that Santa has peed/puked on your carpet, suck it up and replace your carpet. There’s no way in Hell you’ll ever be able to get the smell of peppermint schnapps, broken hopes and dreams, and Christmas cheer out of it. And another question I have is why did it abruptly stop in 2001? My guess is rehab. And I imagine it looks a lot like the Dr. Pepper commercials with all of the fictional characters, but with more soul-crushing depression.

My mom had the international Santa Claus figures, so I’m aware that Santa is known by a lot of na--…..Mrs. Santa Claus??

I get that there was a Mrs. Claus, and logic would imply that she would be known as Mrs. Santa Claus….but this was a list of alternative names for the Santa Claus. Maybe we were referring to the idea of Santa Claus and not the actual person, meaning it doesn’t matter who delivered the presents, just so long as they were delivered- that person would be referred to as Santa Claus. Maybe the missus took over for Santa once he was in rehab so that no one missed out on Christmas; although I’m sure by this point everyone was a little gun shy about checking to see what was left under the Christmas tree and possibly the stockings that were hung with care. Waaaiitt a minute, the time of Mrs. Santa Claus overlapped with AA Santa for two years….these must have been the sexually confused, tranny Santa Claus years…oh God…I just got a mental image of Santa Clause with his junk tucked between his legs, drunkenly yelling “IT PUTS THE LOTION ON THE SKIN OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN!!” at a some family’s golden retriever. Dogs don’t even use lotion, you douchemonger. It’s bad for their fur.

Okay, maybe it’s just something with the Americas….from 2001-2006, Mexico called him El Niño.
….I think you’re confused, y’all. Did you guys mean to name him after an irregular global weather pattern? You do understand that El Niño brings you destructively strong wind, hurricanes, and torrential rain, and the big, bearded guy in a red suit and, knowing you guys, a sombrero brings you gifts, good tidings and lots of Christmas cheer…or I’m sorry, “magia de la Navidad”. Or at least that’s what Google Translate tells me it is…I’m trying to speak your language here…help me to help you. But I digress…I understand how things can get lost in translation, but do you see how they’re not the same? Also, Santa is over 1600 years old and you have the nerve to call him “The Boy” or “The Child”? Waaaay to be respectful, you guys. I’m fairly certain that gets you put on the naughty list….enjoy your lumps of coal and hurricanes, Mexico.

So to recap: Between the U.S. and Mexico, we have an alcoholic, cross-dressing man-child drunkenly flying around once a year bringing your kids shit made by elves, which if we’re honest with ourselves, we know are being held against their will. Well played Americas.

On a completely related note: My brain hurts now.

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