Wednesday, August 3, 2011

I swear this won't become a blog about ants

I was going to post this last night, but I fell asleep...that or I slipped into a mini coma because of all the goddamn ant bites. I think it was the latter. I almost died, y'all!

Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating. But only slightly.

Last night I went to my nephew's football practice, and Sarah, Tre, Breanna and I forgot to bring chairs. Mistake number 1. Mistake number 2 on my part was wearing shorts and flip flops. It was hot, and I didn't want to sweat balls. My bad. No matter where I stood, ants kept crawling all over me. When it first happened, I just brushed them off of me, trying my best not to curse and look like I was having a seizure. Normally I wouldn't care, but this was a "family event" and there were "kids around" and "parents that Sarah and Tre didn't know" and Brenna and I shouldn't "bring attention to ourselves". Or at least that's what Sarah said before we got there. Whatever. While normally I'm a glutton for punishment, when it comes to ants, I'm not. Fuck that. I decided it was a good idea to go sit on the track and watch Brandon's practice. It made sense...ants are in the grass, the track does not have grass, there won't be ants on the track, I will go stand on the track...A=B=C=A or whatever. Normally circular logic does not fail me, but last night it did. The ants followed me, y'all...they saw me walk away and were like, "There goes the asshole that keeps writing us letters and trying to steal our Nacho Cheese Dorito-y ants, roll out!" That or there were ants in the grass by the track, but I'm putting my money on the first scenario. Because ants are assholes like that. Anyway, so I'm sitting on the track in my safe little bubble of self-delusion that I won't get bit by ants while sitting on the track. WRONG! Not being content with just biting my feet, I found one little over achieving asshole going to town on my arm. And then it happened....let me just say I started getting bit in places that no one should ever be bit. I'm serious. I will never tease someone about looking like they have ants in their pants ever again. That shit is nothing to joke about.

Anyway, that's when I realized something about ants. First, one bites me for no reason as I'm mowing the lawn, I write it a letter. Second, a gang of them attack me as I'm about to get into the pool, I write them a letter. I tell them I don't appreciate their behavior. I politely ask them to stop (Edit: Okay, it wasn't very polite, but point is I told them to knock it off, and that I did not appreciate their advances). They ignore my requests and attack me last night, and to top it off, tried to go for the goods. All of this made me realize something that might help the rest of you out in the future...let my experience be a lesson to you all: Ants are the sexual predators of the insect world. I can hear them now, "She was just asking for it, wearing her flip flops and shorts...what did she expect us to do?". I expected you perverted little douche canoes to leave me alone. I mean, I wrote you guys much clearer does it get?

No means no, assholes.

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