Friday, June 24, 2011

Seriously?? :-/

So I was attempting to do some work before bed when I realized (conveniently, I might add) that I needed to run out to the store for something. I go to said store, pick up said item, and head back to the apartment, ready to dive back into work (okay, not really, but I was ready to give it another half-assed attempt). When, what to my wondering eyes did appear, but one shiny white mustang with three douche-y decals on the rear.

In my parking spot. And yes, it is mine. My name might not be on it, but it has a number on it. A number which is is in my leasing agreement, and my name is sure as shit on that! In your face, you spot thieving douchetard.

....well, it would be in your face if I could find my God damn leasing agreement so I could get you towed.

Yes, not being able to find my leasing agreement is my fault. I know that. I should keep all important documents filed away safely. I can hear my mother lecturing me about it now. I get it. I effectively suck at keeping paperwork filed away neatly. But this isn't about me. This is about you.

I mean, really? Who goes into an apartment complex and sees covered parking and thinks, "Hey! I'm gonna park there! Surely no one pays for it! Ha ha ha! Look at all these spots that are empty...I guess no one else has figured it out like I have. I'm the smartest person ALIVE!"? Let me inform you, if others have failed to, you are most definitely NOT the smartest person alive. In fact, you're about, fifty BILLION IQ points below a pile of rocks. Don't let your opposable thumbs, decision making abilities, and ability to drive a car fool you. Upstairs, you're basically the equivalent of a rock's retarded cousin. Yes, it's true. Allow me to explain:

First off, your decision making abilities are shit. You chose a white Mustang for a car. I mean, really? It's not a classic Mustang either. I would respect that. But no, you chose the 2010 Mustang. And it's white. I don't know why that bothers me so much. Oh wait, yes, I do! It's because you parked in my fucking spot. I can't help but picture you being one of the following: a vapid girl whose daddy, biological or of the Sugar variety, bought you said embarrassment; a douchetard with overly-styled spiked hair and a popped collar; or some overweight, middle-aged man whose mid-life crisis allowed the used car salesman to convince him this is the car that will make him look cool and not at all compensating for his, what I'm assuming are many, shortcomings (this last one at some point was the second guy...just a word of advice to the spiky, popped collar guy- this is what you have to look forward to- go you!).

Secondly, your ability to drive a car combined with your crappy life decisions is what led you to park in my spot in the first place. Now your decisions are affecting my life. I'm not okay with that. In fact, I'm even less okay with that when this causes me to park in BFE. Do you know why I pay for a parking spot? SO I HAVE GUARANTEED PLACE TO GOD DAMN PARK! I do not pay for a parking spot so I can flag down a stranger driving around my complex and ask him or her if they'd like a place to park because, "Guess what? I've got one!" And if you do think that's why I pay for it, you're a bigger idiot than I thought, and should immediately have your license revoked on the basis that you are too stupid to function.

At this point you might be saying "Hey, at least I've still got my opposable thumbs!" Good for you, mate! I'm about to take that away from you too.  I mean, yay opposable thumbs and all, but c'mon....monkeys have opposable thumbs too, and they fling their shit at things.

Dolphins don't have opposable thumbs. Sure, they can't drive cars or open jars, but they kill sharks and have sex for pleasure....which again is more than you can say (I'm honestly not sure how dolphins play a part in all of this, but it sounded good).

This is you.

By the way, I feel that I should note that this isn't the first time this has happened.

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