Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Ants are assholes

Dear fire ant at the pool,
I had an incident about a year ago with one of your kin folk. He decided it was a good idea to hitch a ride and bite the crap out of me for no good reason; things didn’t work out so well for him.  And then tonight, I decide to go to the pool for what I thought would be a relaxing night. As I walk towards the pool, I feel the unique type of pain that only you little bastards are capable of inflicting; I look down and see you and about 5 of your stupid friends attacking my feet. Why?? Why would you do that? I simply walked over to the table to put my stuff down and take off my flip flops. Maybe you assumed I was going to steal your gourmet meal of discarded Nacho Cheese Doritos that were no doubt left by someone who lacked the motor skills to actually get the food into their mouth. I blame that person too, but mostly I blame you guys. I guess maybe you guys thought it was your lucky day when I showed up because hey, not only did you get to stuff your nightmare-inspiring mandibles with nacho cheesy goodness, but then you guys got to feast on my feet as well. High five to you guys!  PSYCH! No high five for you! EVER! Those are my feet, you ass clown. You can’t just go around biting people all willy nilly. Well, you can, but it’s just crappy behavior.  And you know how I reward crappy behavior like biting me? I crush you. Seriously, your feeble little exoskeleton couldn’t save you from my Hulk-like strength when you decided that it’s a good idea to latch on with what I can only assume was the intention of carrying me back home because “Holy fucking fuck! The guys back at the anthill are never going to believe this shit!” I’m sure, even being an ant, you know the phrase “When you assume, you make an ass out of you and me”. Well, in this situation it just makes an ass out of you. And now you and your buddies are dead. Well played. Fuckers.
I wish you would all die,
p.s. I don't even like Nacho Cheese Doritos.

Here is the letter that I wrote the little Hell spawn from last summer:

Dear fire ant,

When I'm mowing the lawn, I'd greatly appreciate you not hitching a ride on my foot and then biting me. I'm sure you're aware that I'm too big for you to carry back home, so I know you didn't bite me because I'm a possible food source. I also didn't stomp on your home or mow it down. This leads me to believe you bit me because you're an asshole. Unfortunately for you, now you're a dead asshole.

Kind regards,


By the by, I just looked up why fire ant bites hurt so bad. I thought it had something to do with their saliva, but I realize now I was confusing them with mosquitos. Mosquito spit makes you itchy. Ants bite the shit out of you with their jaws of death, but this isn't what hurts. They bite you so they can get leverage to raise up the rest of their body and not because they doing the ant equivalent of a keg stand. They do this so they can stab you with the stinger located on their ass. Repeatedly. They're humping you. Talk about insult to injury.

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