Carlos the Gorilla

My ears are broken.

They've been broken for some time now.

It's debatable as to what caused my ears to be so retarded. Maybe as Lady Gaga said, I was born this way. Maybe it was all the coffee my grandma gave me as a young child. Maybe it was the gnomes that have stolen a little bit of my hearing every year so as not to take too much at once and raise suspicions. Maybe it was the fact that I used high velocity dryers without using earplugs when I was a dog groomer.



You're right. It's probably the gnome thing.

Hi. We're here to fuck shit up.

I know most people say that there are times when they'll have to ask someone to repeat themselves several times before they either understand or smile and pretend to understand. That is normal. Unfortunately for me, this happens, like, ALL THE TIME. I feel like I'm constantly needing to ask the person next to me what someone standing in front of us has said. I've tried reading lips, and it just does not fucking work.

It would be fine if I was like most normal people and would make the appropriate facial expression and just nod or murmur an appropriate response. But I'm just not capable of such normalcy.

My typical response usually involves reacting very strongly and angrily when someone says, "I made you a pie", but I instead hear, "I hope you die". See what I mean? If someone tells you they made you a pie, and you respond by yelling "Fuck you too!", pretty soon they're going to stop bringing you pie. I like pie, man.

Sad pie wishes you would stop yelling.

Luckily, most of my friends know this about me. Whenever I react in a way that is completely disproportionate to what they have just said, they'll ask me what I heard. Mainly because a lot of the time it makes no fucking sense. And is therefore hilarious. I'm also blessed with a couple of friends that are almost as bad as I am when it comes to their hearing. Or maybe they're mocking me. It's hard to tell. Because of my bad hearing, you see.

I will share with you an example:

Several years ago, I was out to dinner with three of my girlfriends. It wasn't overly loud at the restaurant, so there's really no excuse for the following conversation to have occurred. There was a TV mounted in the corner, but the volume was down.

Nadja: I love Brendan Fraser. (There was something about The Mummy on the screen)
Erin: I...love you too, Plunger-Face.
Me: *blank stare at Erin* WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO BLUDGEON HER FACE??
Tram: .....what the fuck just happened?

All of that is true, by the way. Being around us is like listening to a bad game of telephone.


Now, if you'll excuse me, my coworker is about to transfer Carlos the Gorilla to my extension.

For the last time, asshole, it's Figueroa. Not "the Gorilla".