How to Not Be an Annoying Human Being: Office Edition

The following is a list that I've compiled that I hope is helpful for some of the boundary-retarded individuals out there in the workforce. If you are a victim of one of these infuriating individuals, read on. I hope that it might make you feel better to know you're not the only one who has to put up with this nonsense.

• Stop trying to do other people’s jobs. Seriously. They didn’t ask you the question. They asked me. Mind your own fucking business. I know you think you’re being helpful, but you’re not. You’re being annoying. If I don’t know the answer, and I then turn to you and say, “Hey there, my good sir (or lady), with your extensive wealth of knowledge, do you perchance know the answer to this thus far unanswerable question?” then, and only then, may you interrupt me to answer the question that they asked me. Otherwise, sit the fuck down. No one asked you.
• Stop standing in the office behind me, braying like a goddamn donkey. I cannot emphasize this one enough. Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

• If you see that I’m on the phone, go away. I’m not going to get off the phone in the next 5-10 seconds. I saw you. I know that you wanted to speak with me. Got it. I don’t need you standing there, with your watery, bloodshot eyes boring holes into the side of my head while I try to focus on what the person on the phone is saying, you mouth-breather. So wipe that idiotic expectant grin off of your face and go sit down; I’ll be with you in a minute. Actually, you know what? Don’t. The longer you stand there, the longer I’m going to stay on the phone. I don’t care that the other person hung up 5 minutes ago; I’m going to sit here and pretend to have a conversation until you decide to knuckle-drag yourself back to your desk.
• If you ask me to help you with something do not- I repeat- DO NOT ask me every 5-10 minutes how it’s looking and am I done yet. If you do this, your task will get bumped to the bottom of the list. Weird how that happens.
• Do NOT ask me to do the shit that you are too lazy to do or just don’t want to do. And don’t fucking act like it’s my job to do your busy work for you. I have a pile of my own stuff that I haven’t gotten to yet because I’m….busy. Now if you’ll excuse me (because I’m not your fucking secretary, Mr. Draper), I’ve got to get back to Farmville. These crops aren’t going to harvest themselves. I trust that you can find the break room and pour your own coffee like a big boy, yes?
• Stop bitching about the software we use. You know what bitching about it does? You got it! Abso-fucking-lutely nothing. So stop it. I don’t want to smack you in the mouth, but….actually who am I kidding? Yes I do. Let’s amend that, shall we? For the sake of keeping my job, I don’t want to smack you in the mouth, so please do me a solid, and shut the fuck up. I get it….The system sucks; it’s not efficient; it’s confusing; you broke it…again. Did I address all the issues? Yes? Mind if I say a few things? Good. No, it doesn’t; yes, it is, no, it’s not; no, you didn’t. You think all of this because you don’t know what you’re doing. Because you don’t fucking god-damn pay attention when I’m teaching you how to use the software. Don’t worry; we’ll revisit this one. 
 

• Stop acting like it’s the end of the world if the system gives you an error. Stop hyperventilating. Or don’t. Maybe you’ll pass out. Stop threatening to chunk your mouse or phone across the room, you psycho. 9 times out of 10 the page just needs to be refreshed, so hit F5 and pipe the fuck down, Chicken Little.
• Stop going behind coworkers’ backs to tattle on them to their bosses. This is not elementary school, so really this rule should be a given. You are a grown-ass person, and you’re worried about what another grown-ass person is doing, and for what? Just so you can look like the fucking model employee? Well, me tell you something, Miss Gabby Girl Scout, you don’t look like the model employee. You look like an immature asshole because their boss doesn’t care about what you just told them. What you tattled on that person for was petty and stupid, and now that coworker’s boss thinks you’re a sniveling asshole. And guess what? Their boss told them, so now your coworker thinks that too. Well done.
• Now we’re going to revisit number 6. When you ask me how to do something, pay attention. I get it; when you don’t do something consistently, you forget exactly how to do it. That’s okay. I don’t mind helping in those situations. There are a lot of steps, some of which re confusing when you’re unfamiliar with the process. It’s when you blatantly don’t pay attention when I’m teaching you how to do something because, in your words, I’ll be there to do it for you every time you do this. Is that so? I don’t fucking think so, you douchecanoe. I will help you, yes, but gone are the days that I hold your hand and walk you through your incompetency. And when you ask me how much I think you’ll remember of what I’m teaching you, and I say, “Nothing”, I’m not joking. I’m actually very annoyed, so don’t respond with “Exactly”. You do remember that YOU asked ME to help you and teach you how to do this, don’t you? *I* know how to do this. You do not. So pipe the fuck down and pay attention.
• Finally, just because I’m not smiling, doesn’t mean I’m not happy. So stop telling me to smile more, to not look so pissed, to keep my chin up, and that things will get better.  I wasn’t pissed. I was actually in a great mood; I was just concentrating on my work. As the old adage goes: that’s just how my face looks.

I also bear a striking resemblance to Nick Offerman apparently. I'm okay with that.