Today's post is brought to you by the letters G, I, and F!!

I'm working on an actual post right now, but it's not ready yet, so you guys are getting more gifs....sorry!

When someone says that I shouldn't eat so fast:

When I've hated someone so hard for so long, and all of a sudden, I couldn't give two fucks about them:

When I hit traffic on my way home from work:

When I'm not sure how to greet someone: 

When I saw the video in which my ex-boyfriend's friend called me fat, and the ex-boyfriend laughed:

How I feel when work piles up:

How I feel when everyone in my office goes to lunch but me:

When I run into someone I don't like:

How I play with my dogs:

How I feel when someone I don't like gets schooled:

Once I've done this, I can die happy:

Hint: I'm the velociraptor.

Side bar: My browser doesn't recognize velociraptor as a real word, so it's suggestion was to change it to velocipede. I honest to God pictured an abomination that was a cross of a velociraptor and a centipede. You know, the feel good, happy stuff. Turns out, it's this: 

Now, if you could replace the lovely gent in the picture with, ohhh I don't know, maybe a velociraptor, then you'll find that this dream of mine has officially been upgraded. Wait, what's that?

And it's wearing a tophat? AND a monocle?? Thank you, me; you're the best! You're welcome, me.

When my best friend asks me why I don't want to go somewhere:

When I hear the way some kids talk to adults:

When I drunkenly tell someone I love them:

When a different ex-boyfriend said he didn't actually mean any of the fucked up things he said to me because I didn't want to get back together after he "dumped me"; he was just "hurt":

How I feel about a lot of people I encounter on a daily basis (especially the two aforementioned exes and that one friend):

When I try to run when my foot's asleep:

When I couldn't make my boss at my previous company happy, no matter what I did:

When someone I don't like tries to start a conversation with me while I'm eating: 

When someone leaves me a long, detailed voicemail instead texting me:

This needs no explanation:

 

Kthanxbai!

Carlos the Gorilla

My ears are broken.

They've been broken for some time now.

It's debatable as to what caused my ears to be so retarded. Maybe as Lady Gaga said, I was born this way. Maybe it was all the coffee my grandma gave me as a young child. Maybe it was the gnomes that have stolen a little bit of my hearing every year so as not to take too much at once and raise suspicions. Maybe it was the fact that I used high velocity dryers without using earplugs when I was a dog groomer.



You're right. It's probably the gnome thing.

Hi. We're here to fuck shit up.

I know most people say that there are times when they'll have to ask someone to repeat themselves several times before they either understand or smile and pretend to understand. That is normal. Unfortunately for me, this happens, like, ALL THE TIME. I feel like I'm constantly needing to ask the person next to me what someone standing in front of us has said. I've tried reading lips, and it just does not fucking work.

It would be fine if I was like most normal people and would make the appropriate facial expression and just nod or murmur an appropriate response. But I'm just not capable of such normalcy.

My typical response usually involves reacting very strongly and angrily when someone says, "I made you a pie", but I instead hear, "I hope you die". See what I mean? If someone tells you they made you a pie, and you respond by yelling "Fuck you too!", pretty soon they're going to stop bringing you pie. I like pie, man.

Sad pie wishes you would stop yelling.

Luckily, most of my friends know this about me. Whenever I react in a way that is completely disproportionate to what they have just said, they'll ask me what I heard. Mainly because a lot of the time it makes no fucking sense. And is therefore hilarious. I'm also blessed with a couple of friends that are almost as bad as I am when it comes to their hearing. Or maybe they're mocking me. It's hard to tell. Because of my bad hearing, you see.

I will share with you an example:

Several years ago, I was out to dinner with three of my girlfriends. It wasn't overly loud at the restaurant, so there's really no excuse for the following conversation to have occurred. There was a TV mounted in the corner, but the volume was down.

Nadja: I love Brendan Fraser. (There was something about The Mummy on the screen)
Erin: I...love you too, Plunger-Face.
Me: *blank stare at Erin* WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO BLUDGEON HER FACE??
Tram: .....what the fuck just happened?

All of that is true, by the way. Being around us is like listening to a bad game of telephone.


Now, if you'll excuse me, my coworker is about to transfer Carlos the Gorilla to my extension.

For the last time, asshole, it's Figueroa. Not "the Gorilla".

A Fauxst. Because Blogger is a fucker.

Blogger fucked with my emotions. It made me feel like I might actually be funny. I received an email letting me know that someone had commented on one of my posts. Before I opened it, I was nervous....what if they told me I was stupid and my blog sucked and I wasn't funny- like at all? I decided to open it anyway, and it was super nice! And from someone I didn't know! So I clicked on the link to my post, and.....it wasn't there! This post said there were no comments! What the hell?? But....my email....said. Fine. I'll go check out the comments on my dashboard.

Mother. Fucker.

It was spam.

Seriously?? Sails - Wind = Me.

Whatever. Because of that, you guys are getting what I have deemed a "fauxst". Shut up, spell check; I know it's not a real word. I just made it up. Actually, I see your red squiggly line, and I raise you an "Add to Dictionary". Bam! In your face, spell check.

Just to reiterate and illustrate (look at me, dropping rhymes and shit), how I felt when I thought I had a legit comment:

How I felt when I realized it was spam:

When I over share:

When I completely make something up that ends up being really clever or insightful:

When I think someone's about to spill a secret, I look at them like:

When I try to rap along with Karmin, Busta Rhymes, or Ludacris:

When I say something really out there, and my friends are like:

When I'm so angry that what I'm trying to say comes out wrong:

How I feel when a video keeps buffering:

When someone says something insensitive via text:

When someone asks me if I'm drunk (and I am):

When my ex-boyfriend approaches me at the bar:

When someone says something insulting, but then follows it up with "Just kidding!!":

When someone I don't invites me to their birthday party:

When they mention that  there's going to be cake:

When someone thinks that I know something incriminating about them, I look at them like:

How I feel compared to pretty much everyone downtown:

When I'm trying not to laugh at a really inappropriate moment:

The South is full of people like this (I'm sure I'm going to get A LOT of hate about this):

Which means that I spend a lot of my time like this:

When I go to bars nowadays:

It seems like I always get the overly chatty waiter when I'm starving:

When a bug flies at me:

When someone approaches me about their bullshit cause:

What I imagine is going to happen every time I grab my luggage off of the carousel:

When it doesn't:

When I have a plan worked out perfectly, but the universe has other plans:

When I get bad news, but I'm trying not to get pissed off about it:

When someone that I don't like wants to hang out:

When I hug someone that is actually shorter than me (not that it happens very often):

Which would explain why I'm so bad at it.

Okay, that's it for now.